Quote

I wanna buy a bunch of hermit crabs and make them live together.

Demetri Martin

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Demetri Martin
Age: 51
Born: 1973
Born: May 25
Comedian
Film Actor
Film Director
Film Score Composer
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Voice Actor
New York City
New York
Demetri Evan Martin
Crabs
Wanna
Bunch
Together
Live
Make
Hermit
Hermits

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If you drink enough beer, everything turns in to a bed.
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I never set out to do a sketch show.
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At any minute, I am four minutes from a poncho.
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I am what I eat. And I am this especially when I bite my nails.
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I live in New York and there are a lot of famous... pizzerias in my neighborhood, it's really hard to find one that isn't famous. Which sucks sometimes, you know what I mean, sometimes I don't want all that glitz and glamour, I just want something delicious, you know? I don't need a celebrity in my mouth, Ray's Up And Coming Pizza would be fine.
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How many of you are creative? I don't know, but for me, when you make a bunch of things over time and then you keep them... you forget. I look through my sketchbooks and I'm an audience for myself.
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Americans who do not celebrate Independence Day: pets.
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Don't talk to strangers. Sure, unless you want to meet anyone ever.
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I think it's cool when an ex-girlfriend becomes an XL girlfriend.
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The shortest feedback loop I can think of is doing improvisation in front of an audience.
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When I am at rodeo I find it difficult not to root for the animals.
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When people show me pictures of their kids, it's okay. But when I give them a picture of me, to show to their kids, I'm weird. What kind of one way street is that?
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Vampire fad just won't die. Makes sense, I guess.
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You get really disillusioned, because you thought you were in love. But you realize that you're just alone.
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The difference between a child's toy and an adult toy is: location, location, location.
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I think there are so many little hurdles and impediments with stand-up that you'd need to have this insane desire to do it if you didn't have something that clicked right away.
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When watering your plants, try to talk to them - say something like, Hold it right there and then shoot them with water gun.
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A sports bar is a way to take a bar and fill it with even more annoying people than usual.
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To look like you are a real sports fan, when there is a game on TV just yell, Oh, come on! every now and then at the TV.
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I want to commit a crime during a reenactment, and turn it into an enactment.
Demetri Martin