Quote

I wanna buy a bunch of hermit crabs and make them live together.

Demetri Martin

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Demetri Martin
Age: 51
Born: 1973
Born: May 25
Comedian
Film Actor
Film Director
Film Score Composer
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Voice Actor
New York City
New York
Demetri Evan Martin
Together
Live
Make
Hermit
Hermits
Crabs
Wanna
Bunch

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I wanna design a video game where you'd have to take care of all the people shot in all the other video games.
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Futon World - a wonderful place that becomes slowly less comfortable over time.
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I think, at first blush, the '60s always enticed me. There's something about the '60s, it's not hard to like it.
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Sometimes if I really want to get someone's attention, I'll start a sentence with something like, I'm not racist, but... I say, I'm not racist, but you look great today. They say, That wasn't racist at all. I said, I know. I said I'm not racist. You never listen. Typical Mexican.
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I like when people wear a WWJD bracelet, because it's like an example of the first thing Jesus wouldn't do, probably.
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I didn't do improv in college, I never performed, I didn't do theater either. I was in student government, I was a history major.
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I was eating some candy and looked on the wrapper, and it said made from natural and artificial flavors. You could just say flavors.
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A human head looks the least scary when it is attached.
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If someone throws a pie at your face, just open your mouth really wide and say, 'Thanks for feeding me, a**hole.'
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I am a ceiling fan, especially during rain.
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I need to develop some patience - immediately.
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I have an erratic drummer for anybody who's just listening to this, he can keep time, but just in spurts.
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I like to go to concerts because I love to see my favorite band through the phone of the asshole who's standing in front of me.
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I got into stand up just to do stand up because I love stand up.
Demetri Martin
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When a Dalmatian sees a cow he must be like, 'What the hell happened to him? I am high right now. That dalmatian is fat and smeary.' When the cow sees the Dalmatian he must be like, 'He looks amazing. I am so out of shape, this is ridiculous. My tits are on the ground here.
Demetri Martin
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As a comic, I think I'm very verbally oriented about a lot of the stuff that I've written or thought up and how I say it.
Demetri Martin
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Whenever I'm on my computer, I don't type 'lol'. I type 'lqtm' - laugh quietly to myself. It's more honest.
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Brought to you by raising your voice. The next best thing to being right.
Demetri Martin
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Once I started to look i finally began to see.
Demetri Martin
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I equals all of the ifs added up over time. The ifs, those are the possibilities that's infinite for all of us. Every day there are just millions of them. Time, that's finite for each of us there is no question there. Maybe if you divide choices by the amount of time you have, the real I can emerge, depending upon those choices.
Demetri Martin