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Surprise parties are strange 'cause people jump up and they yell the word, 'surprise' at the party. I came home and you emerged from my furniture. You don't have to tell me how to feel. I don't need a hint.
Demetri Martin
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Demetri Martin
Age: 51
Born: 1973
Born: May 25
Comedian
Film Actor
Film Director
Film Score Composer
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Voice Actor
New York City
New York
Demetri Evan Martin
Home
Surprise
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Strange
Yell
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Parties
More quotes by Demetri Martin
As soon as I jumped out of the airplane, I realized I had forgotten my parachute. Thank God we were still on the runway.
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There's a store in my neighborhood called Futon World. I like that name, 'Futon World.' Makes me think of a magical place that gets less and less comfortable over time.
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I can tell how lonely I am by how easily I'm fooled by a mannequin in a store.
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There's a very fine line between giving someone the Heimlich maneuver and dry-humping a stranger.
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I got into stand up just to do stand up because I love stand up.
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I still like paper books. Like, book is a flammable object. After you read it, you could use it to get warm. Or it could become a pile of napkins.
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A parade looks like a bunch of people are excited about being in traffic.
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I think hair gel was invented to make it easier to identify assholes from a distance.
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Once I started to look i finally began to see.
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Separate but equal is terrible for education but it's perfect for eyebrows.
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I ordered a wake-up call the other day. The phone rang and a woman's voice said, 'What the hell are you doing with your life?'
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I think a lot of stuff I find funny is from day dreaming.
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I think it would be worse to get mauled by a dancing bear than just a regular bear because you can't totally blame the dancing bear.
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It feels like every day or two, people on Twitter and the Internet are outraged about something.
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One of my favorite clothing patterns is camouflage. Because when you're in the woods it makes you blend in. But when you're not it does just the opposite. It's like, 'Hey, there's an asshole.'
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They say it's lonely at the top. It must be even lonelier at the tippy top.
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A Wednesday with no rain is a dry hump day.
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If you happen to catch on fire during the show, do not panic or wave your arms around or scream or we wil give something to panic and wave you arms around and scream about.
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Timing is everything. That's a cliche. Now. If I'd said that a long time ago, I'd have been original.
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I like when people wear a WWJD bracelet, because it's like an example of the first thing Jesus wouldn't do, probably.
Demetri Martin
