Quote

Surprise parties are strange 'cause people jump up and they yell the word, 'surprise' at the party. I came home and you emerged from my furniture. You don't have to tell me how to feel. I don't need a hint.

Demetri Martin

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Demetri Martin
Age: 51
Born: 1973
Born: May 25
Comedian
Film Actor
Film Director
Film Score Composer
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Voice Actor
New York City
New York
Demetri Evan Martin
Feel
Strange
Yell
Feels
Causes
Emerged
Needs
Came
Hints
People
Word
Furniture
Party
Jump
Tell
Parties
Home
Surprise
Need
Cause
Hint

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99.99% of all castles in America are located in fish tanks.
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Artistically, I find jokes really satisfying aesthetically, because there's something great about getting an idea down to a sentence or two.
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Socrates became a trendsetter. Other philosophers, including Plato and Aristotle and Gus, quickly followed suit, dropping their last names too. And, for centuries after that there would be countless imitators including oltaire, Michelangelo, and, much later, Cher.
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The shortest feedback loop I can think of is doing improvisation in front of an audience.
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I went into a clothing store, and the lady asked me what size I was. I said, 'Actual'. I'm not to scale.
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My friend says touche way too much. He's a touche bag.
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The best way to make somebody feel important is to try to assassinate them.
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When someone describes themself as a taxpayer, they're about to be an asshole.
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One time I saw an old man in a hurry and I thought, 'That makes sense.'
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I want to commit a crime during a reenactment, and turn it into an enactment.
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If I have to move up in a building, I choose the elevator over the escalator. Because one time I was riding the escalator and I tripped. I fell down the stairs for an hour and a half.
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Batteries are the most dramatic object. Other things stop working or they break, But Batteries... They Die.
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I used to play sports. Then I realized you can buy trophies. Now I am good at everything.
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I would like to have windshield wipers that do the whole windshield, please.
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If I were blind, I'd wear a blindfold all the time.
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I think it's cool when an ex-girlfriend becomes an XL girlfriend.
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I wonder if there were any goths in gothic times. They're like: You look completely appropriate. You don't look stupid or lonely at all.
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I want to launch a globe into space just to mess with the astronauts.
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Overheard today in restaurant: Can you stop listening to our conversation?
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I like stand-up. But I'd also like a family and house and a yard. I want to work with a lot of people, have colleagues and on good film sets, there's people there that work with the same people for years and years. I love that collaborative spirit in that medium. Comedy is a lot more solitary.
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