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I think it's cool when an ex-girlfriend becomes an XL girlfriend.

Demetri Martin

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Demetri Martin
Age: 51
Born: 1973
Born: May 25
Comedian
Film Actor
Film Director
Film Score Composer
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Voice Actor
New York City
New York
Demetri Evan Martin
Girlfriend
Cool
Becomes
Think
Thinking
Exes

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My plumbing is all screwed up. Because it turns out, I do not own a garbage disposal.
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I think there's a difference between making comedy and reporting comedy. When you're a joke teller you can easily fall into the second, you can show up and just say the jokes.
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Don't talk to strangers. Sure, unless you want to meet anyone ever.
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I don't think I ever wrote a song. I can write a lot of jokes, but when I try to write lyrics they're the most direct, non-figurative words, like, 'I like you, I like you,'... and that's it, for the whole song. People would go, 'Ooh, this guy's Dylan or something.' It gives me a lot more respect for songwriters, actually.
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I like birthdays because we celebrate life with cakes. It's so cool. Sometimes when I see a baby, I'm like that much more cake in the world. But then when someone dies, I'm like the cake streak is over.
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One time I saw an old man in a hurry and I thought, 'That makes sense.'
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REGARDING THE MARCHING BAND: How much more interesting it would be to see a creeping band.
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When someone describes themself as a taxpayer, they're about to be an asshole.
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If you want to dry hump someone you don't know, just act like they were choking.
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A dreamcatcher works, if your dream is to be gay.
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Small businesses are important, but so are tiny businesses.
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When I trip, I feel like that's the world saying come here for a second. It just pulls me closer for a second, yeah what do you want? I just want to remind you that you're uncoordinated. I'm aware of that, thank you... can I go now? Yeah, you can go, but never ever try to outrun me. Ok, world, see you later. Yeah, I'll see you in about 50 years.
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The lord works in mysterious ways. Indeed. And a shorter way to say that is: God is a sneak.
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It's very easy to turn a toy into an adult toy: Location, location, location.
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I don't know what the long form of OK is. I wanna think it's okie dokie. 'I'm okie dokie. I'm a little shaken up, but I'm okie dokie.' 'The good news is, she's okie dokie. The surgery went fine.'
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My friend says touche way too much. He's a touche bag.
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It is interesting that the black BMW is the preferred car of so many assholes.
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I've heard of many chocoholics, but I ain't never seen no chocohol. We got an epidemic, people: people who like chocolate but don't understand word endings. They're probably over-workaholled.
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I like when people wear a WWJD bracelet, because it's like an example of the first thing Jesus wouldn't do, probably.
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Planning trip around the globe, that is in my room.
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