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I never went bungee jumping. The closest I did was I was born.

Demetri Martin

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Demetri Martin
Age: 51
Born: 1973
Born: May 25
Comedian
Film Actor
Film Director
Film Score Composer
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Voice Actor
New York City
New York
Demetri Evan Martin
Closest
Went
Born
Never
Bungee
Jumping

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To get strangers to hate you even faster, crank up the volume on that very interesting ringtone of yours.
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I can tell how lonely I am by how easily I'm fooled by a mannequin in a store.
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Popcorn is one of the only situations in which you eat the result of an explosion.
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When I was a kid, I always wanted to live in California because I liked skateboarding.
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I went into a clothing store, and the lady asked me what size I was. I said, 'Actual'. I'm not to scale.
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I was stuck in traffic and I looked in the mirror and in the car behind me there was a couple having a horrible argument and right below their image it said Objects In Mirror Are Closer Than They Appear. I just thought, man I hope so because she was pretty mad.
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Mosquito bites Jesus, receives communion.
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It is impossible for a cyclops to wink.
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I like to stand near ATM machines, and when somebody types in their pin number, I go, 'Got it!' And then I run away.
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It's hard to know what's gay in life. Boxing. That's two men fighting over a belt.
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I was seeing this girl and she wanted to get more serious. But I wasn't ready to, I had just gotten out of a difficult relationship before that. So I said to her, 'Listen, you have to understand something. Relationships are like eyebrows. It's better when there's a space between them.' And that's coming from a Greek guy.
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My mind says one thing, but my body says another. Thanks a lot, Indian food and beer.
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Don't forget to turn your clocks back today if you don't want your clocks to be set to the right time.
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I never set out to do a sketch show.
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99.99% of all castles in America are located in fish tanks.
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When someone shows you a picture of their kids what they don't want to hear is Oh, yeah, I got pictures of your kid too.
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A dreamcatcher works, if your dream is to be gay.
Demetri Martin
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It feels like every day or two, people on Twitter and the Internet are outraged about something.
Demetri Martin
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To some I am known as Chief. And these are usually people who work in Radio Shack or try to sell me shoes. To others I am known as Buddy. These are people who dwell in bars and wonder if I’ve got a problem or what it is that I am “looking at.” And to still others, who are in that same bar, standing just off to the side, I am “Get Him!
Demetri Martin
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I ordered a wake-up call the other day. The phone rang and a woman's voice said, 'What the hell are you doing with your life?'
Demetri Martin