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How to be a bouncer: be an asshole stand near a door.
Demetri Martin
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Demetri Martin
Age: 51
Born: 1973
Born: May 25
Comedian
Film Actor
Film Director
Film Score Composer
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Voice Actor
New York City
New York
Demetri Evan Martin
Bouncer
Asshole
Near
Door
Doors
Stand
More quotes by Demetri Martin
Timing is everything. That's a cliche. Now. If I'd said that a long time ago, I'd have been original.
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As a comic, I think I'm very verbally oriented about a lot of the stuff that I've written or thought up and how I say it.
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The bird, the bee, the running child are all the same to the sliding glass door.
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The chances of someone who looks like Jesus having pot raises steadily, to a point. If the guy is on a cross you may have the wrong guy.
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I just listen to so much music that I like the role music can play in scoring something. I'm not doing song parodies or funny songs, I'm just adding some music to my words. So it's limited and specific, but as a performer I find it pretty enjoyable.
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They say it's lonely at the top. It must be even lonelier at the tippy top.
Demetri Martin
I find that a shirt is most similar to a napkin when I don't have a napkin.
Demetri Martin
The shortest feedback loop I can think of is doing improvisation in front of an audience.
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A drunk driver is very dangerous. So is a drunk backseat driver if he's persuasive.
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It's not enough to say I'm sorry. You have to also mean it. It's the same with saying I'm single.
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Canoe plus waterfall equals I don't go camping anymore.
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I remember when I used to be really into nostalgia.
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I think, at first blush, the '60s always enticed me. There's something about the '60s, it's not hard to like it.
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I tend to avoid televisions, politics, and places with velvet ropes.
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I just started doing this one-man show, and I wanted to be able to score it, so I bought a guitar, and got a keyboard and got a harmonica. I remember when I started that I didn't understand why a harmonica had different letters on them.
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A Wednesday with no rain is a dry hump day.
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Separate but equal is terrible for education but it's perfect for eyebrows.
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I think there's a difference between making comedy and reporting comedy. When you're a joke teller you can easily fall into the second, you can show up and just say the jokes.
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I am a man of my word… and that word is “unreliable.
Demetri Martin
I was making pancakes the other day and a fly flew into the kitchen. And that's when I realized that a spatula is a lot like a fly-swatter. And a crushed fly is a lot like a blueberry. And a roommate is a lot like a fly eater.
Demetri Martin