Quote

I still like paper books. Like, book is a flammable object. After you read it, you could use it to get warm. Or it could become a pile of napkins.

Demetri Martin

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Demetri Martin
Age: 51
Born: 1973
Born: May 25
Comedian
Film Actor
Film Director
Film Score Composer
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Voice Actor
New York City
New York
Demetri Evan Martin
Objects
Like
Books
Read
Flammable
Use
Napkins
Become
Pile
Stills
Object
Warm
Still
Paper
Book

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Don't forget to turn your clocks back today if you don't want your clocks to be set to the right time.
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The best way to make somebody feel important is to try to assassinate them.
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I want to make a revolving door that says 'Pull' on it, just see how obedient people are.
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I like birthdays because we celebrate life with cakes. It's so cool. Sometimes when I see a baby, I'm like that much more cake in the world. But then when someone dies, I'm like the cake streak is over.
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I was on the train the other day, and I heard somebody say, I'm really good at checkers. That's the same thing as saying, I'm not good at very many things.
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I am a ceiling fan, especially during rain.
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There's a very fine line between giving someone the Heimlich maneuver and dry-humping a stranger.
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I want to launch a globe into space just to mess with the astronauts.
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Whenever I investigate a smell, I find that the answer is always bad. It's never: 'What is that? *sniff* muffins!'
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My friend has hand soap that smells like coconut. It's nice. Unless your hands are dirty from coconuts.
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Earrings are the same as sneezes: Two is okay, but ten in a row is annoying. If you have two then, God bless you.
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I would like to have windshield wipers that do the whole windshield, please.
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When watering your plants, try to talk to them - say something like, Hold it right there and then shoot them with water gun.
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Your mind is like a sponge, in the sense that it would come in handy when cleaning off a countertop or something like that.
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I set a personal record on Christmas. I got my shopping done three weeks ahead of time. I had all the presents back at my apartment, I was halfway through wrapping them, and I realized, 'Damn, I used the wrong wrapping paper.' The paper I used said, 'Happy Birthday.' I didn't want to waste it, so I just wrote 'Jesus' on it.
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I'm very hip-oriented. I focus on hips in my comedy - probably more than any other hipster comic who is out there hipping today. My hips, other hips. I work with my hips a great deal. That is what I do. But not in a gay way.
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To me, comedy is a game.
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I just found out that I have more allies than America!
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Whenever I see an autobiography for sale in the book store i just flip to the about the author section. I'm like, Done, next!
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I bought a cactus. A week later it died. And I got depressed, because I thought, Damn. I am less nurturing than a desert.
Demetri Martin