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I wish my name started with a comma. That would be so dramatic.

Demetri Martin

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Demetri Martin
Age: 51
Born: 1973
Born: May 25
Comedian
Film Actor
Film Director
Film Score Composer
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Voice Actor
New York City
New York
Demetri Evan Martin
Wish
Would
Comma
Dramatic
Started
Name
Names

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The earth without art is just eh.
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If you stretched the average person's intestines out from end to end, it would make them scream a lot.
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My family was fine, it's just a different way of going about life. Creativity was not something that was isolated and identified and valued.
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Now I got a time machine at home. It only goes foreword at regular speed. It's essentially a cardboard box and on the outside I wrote time machine in sharpie.
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I wanna see a snake eat spaghetti.
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I like shorter jokes. I like fewer words. I think the more ideas there are the, the fewer words there should be.
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If you remove a treehouse from a tree, than it's just a shitty house. Sometimes when i'm in a shitty house, I like to imagine that it's in a tree, than it's like Woah, this house is amazing.
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I didn't do improv in college, I never performed, I didn't do theater either. I was in student government, I was a history major.
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It seems that man's greatest natural enemy is the target.
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When someone describes themself as a taxpayer, they're about to be an asshole.
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Halloween's my favorite holiday because you don't have to spend it with your family.
Demetri Martin
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Easy way to make someone sound less powerful, just put DJ in front of their name... ..DJ Abraham Lincoln
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Americans who do not celebrate Independence Day: pets.
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Do you have any Greek in you? That was just a tactful way of asking if you're pregnant. If you're not, then let's break up.
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I am a man of my word… and that word is “unreliable.
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The sofa is the enemy of productivity.
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It would be interesting if Elvis were reincarnated as an Elvis impersonator.
Demetri Martin
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Coffee is like a bra. 3 cups is one too many.
Demetri Martin
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I'm so secretive that when someone asks me, Hey, can you keep a secret? I say That's none of your business.
Demetri Martin
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It is a little ironic that one thing a babysitter should not do is sit on a baby.
Demetri Martin