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When someone shows you a picture of their kids what they don't want to hear is Oh, yeah, I got pictures of your kid too.

Demetri Martin

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Demetri Martin
Age: 51
Born: 1973
Born: May 25
Comedian
Film Actor
Film Director
Film Score Composer
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Voice Actor
New York City
New York
Demetri Evan Martin
Yeah
Hear
Shows
Kids
Someone
Pictures
Picture

More quotes by Demetri Martin

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I am a comedian but it's usually not a compliment to be called a prop comedian but I guess I sometimes use props. And I always confuse humorist with comedian. That's strange.
Demetri Martin
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If I think of a joke that's really dirty and I think it's funny I'll try it but what I've found over the years is they just don't laugh. It doesn't work coming out of my mouth so it's like they taught me 'don't do that. Don't go that way or you'll lose me.'
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A lot of things look cooler in slow motion. Eating isn't one of them.
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Sometimes if I really want to get someone's attention, I'll start a sentence with something like, I'm not racist, but... I say, I'm not racist, but you look great today. They say, That wasn't racist at all. I said, I know. I said I'm not racist. You never listen. Typical Mexican.
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Popcorn is one of the only situations in which you eat the result of an explosion.
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I have an erratic drummer for anybody who's just listening to this, he can keep time, but just in spurts.
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The boomerang is Australia's chief export (and then import).
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Overheard today in restaurant: Can you stop listening to our conversation?
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What I've learned about my self over the years is that I'm pretty restless. If I multitask it's probably because I have difficulty just focusing on one thing.
Demetri Martin
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A sports bar is a way to take a bar and fill it with even more annoying people than usual.
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If you happen to catch on fire during the show, do not panic or wave your arms around or scream or we wil give something to panic and wave you arms around and scream about.
Demetri Martin
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One of my favorite clothing patterns is camouflage. Because when you're in the woods it makes you blend in. But when you're not it does just the opposite. It's like, 'Hey, there's an asshole.'
Demetri Martin
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The best way to make somebody feel important is to try to assassinate them.
Demetri Martin
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I thought I would, you know, go to college, get to law school, finish, and then get a job and work as a lawyer, but that proved to be not a good fit for me.
Demetri Martin
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If I were blind, I'd wear a blindfold all the time.
Demetri Martin
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People only mention it's a free country if they're doing something shitty.
Demetri Martin
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The sofa is the enemy of productivity.
Demetri Martin
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When people show me pictures of their kids, it's okay. But when I give them a picture of me, to show to their kids, I'm weird. What kind of one way street is that?
Demetri Martin
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When I am holding a water balloon, so many things look so unnecessarily dry.
Demetri Martin
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If only loud people were even half as interesting as they think they are.
Demetri Martin