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When someone shows you a picture of their kids what they don't want to hear is Oh, yeah, I got pictures of your kid too.
Demetri Martin
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Demetri Martin
Age: 51
Born: 1973
Born: May 25
Comedian
Film Actor
Film Director
Film Score Composer
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Voice Actor
New York City
New York
Demetri Evan Martin
Picture
Yeah
Hear
Shows
Kids
Someone
Pictures
More quotes by Demetri Martin
Brought to you by raising your voice. The next best thing to being right.
Demetri Martin
I ordered a wake-up call the other day. The phone rang and a woman's voice said, 'What the hell are you doing with your life?'
Demetri Martin
I go the gym and I try to run on the treadmill and I listen to music but it doesn't motivate me enough. So I'm going to get a recording of a pack of wolves gaining on me. People would be like, 'Why is that guy crying on that treadmill over there?' 'I don't know, but he's been yelling, 'help' for like 20 minutes. He's getting a good workout.
Demetri Martin
I think a lot of stuff I find funny is from day dreaming.
Demetri Martin
The shortest distance between two idiots is a conga line.
Demetri Martin
I think a lot of people who watch TV don't realize when they're watch TV shows and it says 'produced by' and producer, producer... there are all these producers. What the hell does a producer do? It's funny how much you have to worry about as a producer.
Demetri Martin
If you drink enough beer, everything turns in to a bed.
Demetri Martin
When you have a fat friend there are no see-saws, only catapults.
Demetri Martin
Rock is fine. No structural damage to rock. Rock can break through paper at any point. Just say the word. Paper sucks.
Demetri Martin
The sofa is the enemy of productivity.
Demetri Martin
You can say 'Thanks,' and you can say 'Thanks a Million' - but any number in between?
Demetri Martin
I think there are so many little hurdles and impediments with stand-up that you'd need to have this insane desire to do it if you didn't have something that clicked right away.
Demetri Martin
I want to launch a globe into space just to mess with the astronauts.
Demetri Martin
Mosquito bites Jesus, receives communion.
Demetri Martin
I find that a shirt is most similar to a napkin when I don't have a napkin.
Demetri Martin
I was student council president in high school, and even in law school, I was vice-president of the student bar association.
Demetri Martin
Popcorn is one of the only situations in which you eat the result of an explosion.
Demetri Martin
We do not allow dwarf tossing. If you toss a dwarf, the dwarf will be tossed right back at you, but faster.
Demetri Martin
Canoe plus waterfall equals I don't go camping anymore.
Demetri Martin
Statistics indicate that the average American is a guy named Brian who lives in Ohio.
Demetri Martin
