Quote

I saw a sign that said, 'Watch for children.' I was like, 'That sounds like a fair trade - especially if they're crappy kids.'

Demetri Martin

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Demetri Martin
Age: 51
Born: 1973
Born: May 25
Comedian
Film Actor
Film Director
Film Score Composer
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Voice Actor
New York City
New York
Demetri Evan Martin
Especially
Sign
Sound
Fairs
Kids
Sounds
Children
Fair
Like
Trade
Saws
Watches
Watch
Crappy

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A parade looks like a bunch of people are excited about being in traffic.
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Never be less interesting than your refrigerator magnets.
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When someone describes themself as a taxpayer, they're about to be an asshole.
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I never set out to do a sketch show.
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I go the gym and I try to run on the treadmill and I listen to music but it doesn't motivate me enough. So I'm going to get a recording of a pack of wolves gaining on me. People would be like, 'Why is that guy crying on that treadmill over there?' 'I don't know, but he's been yelling, 'help' for like 20 minutes. He's getting a good workout.
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Easy way to make someone sound less powerful, just put DJ in front of their name... ..DJ Abraham Lincoln
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I wonder if, as a society, we will ever be able to call someone a jive tofurkey.
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I have fun acting, and I want to do more of it, and I want to direct my own movie.
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I like birthdays because we celebrate life with cakes. It's so cool. Sometimes when I see a baby, I'm like that much more cake in the world. But then when someone dies, I'm like the cake streak is over.
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I've never read an article of clothing.
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I was student council president in high school, and even in law school, I was vice-president of the student bar association.
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Right now someone out there is struggling and starting to panic because they can't get out of a tempurpedic bed.
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A know-it-all is a person who knows everything except for how annoying he is.
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I was walking in the park and this guy waved at me. Then he said, 'I'm sorry, I thought you were someone else.' I said, 'I am.'
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When a Dalmatian sees a cow he must be like, 'What the hell happened to him? I am high right now. That dalmatian is fat and smeary.' When the cow sees the Dalmatian he must be like, 'He looks amazing. I am so out of shape, this is ridiculous. My tits are on the ground here.
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If I were blind, I'd wear a blindfold all the time.
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They say it's lonely at the top. It must be even lonelier at the tippy top.
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Artistically, I find jokes really satisfying aesthetically, because there's something great about getting an idea down to a sentence or two.
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A lot of things look cooler in slow motion. Eating isn't one of them.
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A Wednesday with no rain is a dry hump day.
Demetri Martin