Quote

The chances of someone who looks like Jesus having pot raises steadily, to a point. If the guy is on a cross you may have the wrong guy.

Demetri Martin

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Demetri Martin
Age: 51
Born: 1973
Born: May 25
Comedian
Film Actor
Film Director
Film Score Composer
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Voice Actor
New York City
New York
Demetri Evan Martin
Someone
Cross
May
Raises
Looks
Crosses
Like
Guy
Wrong
Chance
Steadily
Point
Pot
Jesus
Chances

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Don't talk to strangers. Sure, unless you want to meet anyone ever.
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The lord works in mysterious ways. Indeed. And a shorter way to say that is: God is a sneak.
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I have an erratic drummer for anybody who's just listening to this, he can keep time, but just in spurts.
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I wonder if there were any goths in gothic times. They're like: You look completely appropriate. You don't look stupid or lonely at all.
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I like when people wear a WWJD bracelet, because it's like an example of the first thing Jesus wouldn't do, probably.
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I was walking in the park and this guy waved at me. Then he said, 'I'm sorry, I thought you were someone else.' I said, 'I am.'
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Canoe plus waterfall equals I don't go camping anymore.
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They say it's lonely at the top. It must be even lonelier at the tippy top.
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There's a very fine line between giving someone the Heimlich maneuver and dry-humping a stranger.
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How fast does a zebra have to run before it looks gray.
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To get strangers to hate you even faster, crank up the volume on that very interesting ringtone of yours.
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When a Dalmatian sees a cow he must be like, 'What the hell happened to him? I am high right now. That dalmatian is fat and smeary.' When the cow sees the Dalmatian he must be like, 'He looks amazing. I am so out of shape, this is ridiculous. My tits are on the ground here.
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I was student council president in high school, and even in law school, I was vice-president of the student bar association.
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When you have a fat friend there are no see-saws, only catapults.
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I've learned something on the road, traveling around: state shapes. The easier it is to draw the shape of the state, the harder it is to live in that state. So, if you live in a regular polygon, get the hell outta there. You gotta move to a squiggly area. Culture's attracted to squiggles.
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I remember when I used to be really into nostalgia.
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Halloween: the day each year when strangers give you even more specific reasons to dislike them based on what they are wearing.
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Socrates became a trendsetter. Other philosophers, including Plato and Aristotle and Gus, quickly followed suit, dropping their last names too. And, for centuries after that there would be countless imitators including oltaire, Michelangelo, and, much later, Cher.
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Automatic paper towel dispensers are a solution to something that was never a problem in the first place.
Demetri Martin
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If you happen to catch on fire during the show, do not panic or wave your arms around or scream or we wil give something to panic and wave you arms around and scream about.
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