Quote

The chances of someone who looks like Jesus having pot raises steadily, to a point. If the guy is on a cross you may have the wrong guy.

Demetri Martin

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Demetri Martin
Age: 51
Born: 1973
Born: May 25
Comedian
Film Actor
Film Director
Film Score Composer
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Voice Actor
New York City
New York
Demetri Evan Martin
Jesus
Chances
Someone
Cross
May
Raises
Looks
Crosses
Like
Guy
Wrong
Chance
Steadily
Point
Pot

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Why are there not positive mysteries? It's always who stole the diamond, or who killed the butler? How about... who made cookies, somebody cleaned my room.
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I got some new pajamas with pockets in 'em. Which is great, because before that, I used to have to hold stuff when I slept. But now I'm like, 'Where's my planner? There it is. Keep sleeping. All right, perfect.'
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Canoe plus waterfall equals I don't go camping anymore.
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Employee of the month is a good example of how somebody can be both a winner and a loser at the same time.
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I saw a transvestite wearing a T-shirt that said 'Guess'.
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I wish my name started with a comma. That would be so dramatic.
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I like playing frisbee. It is the only sport where you can throw something at a person and it's okay.
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Halloween's my favorite holiday because you don't have to spend it with your family.
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I think it would be frustrating to be a match maker. What do you do? I'm a match maker Aw, that's really romantic No, umm... I actually... never mind
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When I am at rodeo I find it difficult not to root for the animals.
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Vampire fad just won't die. Makes sense, I guess.
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The difference between a child's toy and an adult toy is: location, location, location.
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I want to get the joke to work without having to put any words or to say anything. I just want the person to look at it, and quietly in their brain, they can just put it together and say, Cool, that one works.
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To remove blood stains from your conscience try frozen margaritas.
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A human head looks the least scary when it is attached.
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I'm not a lawmaker, but I was thinking that if you have a really loud ring tone, maybe you should be stabbed in the ear?
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But I found that disappointing people is a good thing, because disapproval is freedom.
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My policy is 'No stone throwing regardless of housing situation.'
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I just listen to so much music that I like the role music can play in scoring something. I'm not doing song parodies or funny songs, I'm just adding some music to my words. So it's limited and specific, but as a performer I find it pretty enjoyable.
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A drunk driver is very dangerous. So is a drunk backseat driver if he's persuasive.
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