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The chances of someone who looks like Jesus having pot raises steadily, to a point. If the guy is on a cross you may have the wrong guy.
Demetri Martin
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Demetri Martin
Age: 51
Born: 1973
Born: May 25
Comedian
Film Actor
Film Director
Film Score Composer
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Voice Actor
New York City
New York
Demetri Evan Martin
Like
Guy
Wrong
Chance
Steadily
Point
Pot
Jesus
Chances
Someone
Cross
May
Raises
Looks
Crosses
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I was student council president in high school, and even in law school, I was vice-president of the student bar association.
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I was a good student when I was a kid, and I did everything I was supposed to do, and I got A's.
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I need to develop some patience - immediately.
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I wanna put stickers on turtles... I don't know why.
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One thing you never hear is Man that guy is good at badminton.
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If I make my window ten days for stand-up, the conclusion is that I failed and that I'm not good at stand-up. If I make it ten years - if I just wait - the conclusion might be something totally different. I think it's so cool to do things in which you discover the malleability of your own mind.
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I set a personal record on Christmas. I got my shopping done three weeks ahead of time. I had all the presents back at my apartment, I was halfway through wrapping them, and I realized, 'Damn, I used the wrong wrapping paper.' The paper I used said, 'Happy Birthday.' I didn't want to waste it, so I just wrote 'Jesus' on it.
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It's always helpful to remember that in the grand scheme of things you are much more important than... um, wait, than... something, maybe.
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If I ever saw an amputee getting hanged, I'd probably just start calling out letters.
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Separate but equal is terrible for education but it's perfect for eyebrows.
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Statistics indicate that the average American is a guy named Brian who lives in Ohio.
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I've heard of many chocoholics, but I ain't never seen no chocohol. We got an epidemic, people: people who like chocolate but don't understand word endings. They're probably over-workaholled.
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It's very easy to turn a toy into an adult toy: Location, location, location.
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A parade looks like a bunch of people are excited about being in traffic.
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I just started doing this one-man show, and I wanted to be able to score it, so I bought a guitar, and got a keyboard and got a harmonica. I remember when I started that I didn't understand why a harmonica had different letters on them.
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I go the gym and I try to run on the treadmill and I listen to music but it doesn't motivate me enough. So I'm going to get a recording of a pack of wolves gaining on me. People would be like, 'Why is that guy crying on that treadmill over there?' 'I don't know, but he's been yelling, 'help' for like 20 minutes. He's getting a good workout.
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Having a beard is a good way to make your face more susceptible to velcro.
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