Share
×
Inspirational Quotes
Authors
Professions
Topics
Tags
Quote
The chances of someone who looks like Jesus having pot raises steadily, to a point. If the guy is on a cross you may have the wrong guy.
Demetri Martin
Share
Change background
T
T
T
Change font
Original
TAGS & TOPICS
Demetri Martin
Age: 51
Born: 1973
Born: May 25
Comedian
Film Actor
Film Director
Film Score Composer
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Voice Actor
New York City
New York
Demetri Evan Martin
Jesus
Chances
Someone
Cross
May
Raises
Looks
Crosses
Like
Guy
Wrong
Chance
Steadily
Point
Pot
More quotes by Demetri Martin
I think a lot of stuff I find funny is from day dreaming.
Demetri Martin
They say that structure is freedom, and in a sense it is. When you're dealing with multiple constraints, you have to figure out what you can get out of that.
Demetri Martin
I think there's a difference between making comedy and reporting comedy. When you're a joke teller you can easily fall into the second, you can show up and just say the jokes.
Demetri Martin
Easy way to make someone sound less powerful, just put DJ in front of their name... ..DJ Abraham Lincoln
Demetri Martin
As soon as I jumped out of the airplane, I realized I had forgotten my parachute. Thank God we were still on the runway.
Demetri Martin
I find that a shirt is most similar to a napkin when I don't have a napkin.
Demetri Martin
I tend to avoid televisions, politics, and places with velvet ropes.
Demetri Martin
The key to life is balance, especially if you are on a ledge.
Demetri Martin
When I look up at the clouds I see so many animals, mostly sheep who have lost their limbs and heads.
Demetri Martin
I saw a sign that said, 'Watch for children.' I was like, 'That sounds like a fair trade - especially if they're crappy kids.'
Demetri Martin
Stand up is really fun because if I think of a joke or a funny idea, then I can just go and tell some people and if they laugh, they laugh right away.
Demetri Martin
This is a pie chart about procrastination.
Demetri Martin
Statistics indicate that the average American is a guy named Brian who lives in Ohio.
Demetri Martin
To some I am known as Chief. And these are usually people who work in Radio Shack or try to sell me shoes. To others I am known as Buddy. These are people who dwell in bars and wonder if I’ve got a problem or what it is that I am “looking at.” And to still others, who are in that same bar, standing just off to the side, I am “Get Him!
Demetri Martin
When there's someone who's dead and then someone does something that that person would not have liked, they say that that person is spinning in their grave. But I don't understand why they say that. Why is spinning the way that a corpse shows disapproval?
Demetri Martin
When watering your plants, try to talk to them - say something like, Hold it right there and then shoot them with water gun.
Demetri Martin
Don't talk to strangers. Sure, unless you want to meet anyone ever.
Demetri Martin
I was walking in the park and this guy waved at me. Then he said, 'I'm sorry, I thought you were someone else.' I said, 'I am.'
Demetri Martin
A jerk on a motorcycle is equal to a leaf, because I find it beautiful when these things fall.
Demetri Martin
It is interesting that the black BMW is the preferred car of so many assholes.
Demetri Martin
