Quote

The chances of someone who looks like Jesus having pot raises steadily, to a point. If the guy is on a cross you may have the wrong guy.

Demetri Martin

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Demetri Martin
Age: 51
Born: 1973
Born: May 25
Comedian
Film Actor
Film Director
Film Score Composer
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Voice Actor
New York City
New York
Demetri Evan Martin
May
Raises
Looks
Crosses
Like
Guy
Wrong
Chance
Steadily
Point
Pot
Jesus
Chances
Someone
Cross

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Halloween: the day each year when strangers give you even more specific reasons to dislike them based on what they are wearing.
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Turtles are greater than baby nephews, because it's ok to drop a turtle.
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My plumbing is all screwed up. Because it turns out, I do not own a garbage disposal.
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I want to commit a crime during a reenactment, and turn it into an enactment.
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You can say 'Thanks,' and you can say 'Thanks a Million' - but any number in between?
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If someone throws a pie at your face, just open your mouth really wide and say, 'Thanks for feeding me, a**hole.'
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It seems that man's greatest natural enemy is the target.
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Whenever I see an autobiography for sale in the book store i just flip to the about the author section. I'm like, Done, next!
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A parade looks like a bunch of people are excited about being in traffic.
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Small businesses are important, but so are tiny businesses.
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Once I started to look i finally began to see.
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This is a pie chart about procrastination.
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I think there's a difference between making comedy and reporting comedy. When you're a joke teller you can easily fall into the second, you can show up and just say the jokes.
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Coffee is like a bra. 3 cups is one too many.
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Earrings are the same as sneezes: Two is okay, but ten in a row is annoying. If you have two then, God bless you.
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I don't know if I'll ever be a master at anything, but I think that's a mistake for me personally. I don't know how much it's about the journey, but it's more about the process.
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And as far as actors go, Peter Sellers is my all-time favorite.
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I wanna see a snake eat spaghetti.
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When people show me pictures of their kids, it's okay. But when I give them a picture of me, to show to their kids, I'm weird. What kind of one way street is that?
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When I look up at the clouds I see so many animals, mostly sheep who have lost their limbs and heads.
Demetri Martin