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Why are there not positive mysteries? It's always who stole the diamond, or who killed the butler? How about... who made cookies, somebody cleaned my room.
Demetri Martin
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Demetri Martin
Age: 51
Born: 1973
Born: May 25
Comedian
Film Actor
Film Director
Film Score Composer
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Voice Actor
New York City
New York
Demetri Evan Martin
Made
Mysteries
Always
Diamond
Killed
Mystery
Butler
Positive
Cleaned
Room
Butlers
Rooms
Stole
Somebody
Cookies
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I remember when I used to be really into nostalgia.
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I was a good student when I was a kid, and I did everything I was supposed to do, and I got A's.
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It's interesting to be an adult and to have that level of ignorance about something, because the nice part about is you get that discovery. The learning curve is so rich and steep.
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I can always tell how stupid someone is by how certain they are about what they're saying.
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Sometimes if I really want to get someone's attention, I'll start a sentence with something like, I'm not racist, but... I say, I'm not racist, but you look great today. They say, That wasn't racist at all. I said, I know. I said I'm not racist. You never listen. Typical Mexican.
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I'm so secretive that when someone asks me, Hey, can you keep a secret? I say That's none of your business.
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Glitter is the herpes of craft supplies.
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What's this about rice milk? I didn't even know rice had nipples!
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You mock those who blindly follow the majority...turn your attention now to those who are so dedicated to deviating from the norm that they would gladly cease breathing if it were suggested to them that inhalation was a form of conformity for they deserve just as much scrutiny and ridicule.
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I think it would be cool if you were writing a ransom note on your computer, if the paper clip popped up and said, 'Looks like you're writing a ransom note. Need help? You should use more forceful language, you'll get more money.'
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My friend has hand soap that smells like coconut. It's nice. Unless your hands are dirty from coconuts.
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I equals all of the ifs added up over time. The ifs, those are the possibilities that's infinite for all of us. Every day there are just millions of them. Time, that's finite for each of us there is no question there. Maybe if you divide choices by the amount of time you have, the real I can emerge, depending upon those choices.
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I think it's cool when an ex-girlfriend becomes an XL girlfriend.
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Overheard today in restaurant: Can you stop listening to our conversation?
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I'm always excited to try something I haven't done.
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Swimming is a confusing sport, because sometimes you do it for fun, and other times you do it to not die. And when I'm swimming, sometimes I'm not sure which one it is.
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I wasn't the class clown, but I was starting to become the crazy guy at law school, which is the guy who is not so much crazy as annoying.
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How to be a bouncer: be an asshole stand near a door.
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Sometimes I feel like I'm being watched, but then I remember that my show was canceled three years ago.
Demetri Martin
