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Why are there not positive mysteries? It's always who stole the diamond, or who killed the butler? How about... who made cookies, somebody cleaned my room.
Demetri Martin
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Demetri Martin
Age: 51
Born: 1973
Born: May 25
Comedian
Film Actor
Film Director
Film Score Composer
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Voice Actor
New York City
New York
Demetri Evan Martin
Made
Mysteries
Always
Diamond
Killed
Mystery
Butler
Positive
Cleaned
Room
Butlers
Rooms
Stole
Somebody
Cookies
More quotes by Demetri Martin
When I am at rodeo I find it difficult not to root for the animals.
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I like when people wear a WWJD bracelet, because it's like an example of the first thing Jesus wouldn't do, probably.
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I wish my name started with a comma. That would be so dramatic.
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I'm so secretive that when someone asks me, Hey, can you keep a secret? I say That's none of your business.
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When I trip, I feel like that's the world saying come here for a second. It just pulls me closer for a second, yeah what do you want? I just want to remind you that you're uncoordinated. I'm aware of that, thank you... can I go now? Yeah, you can go, but never ever try to outrun me. Ok, world, see you later. Yeah, I'll see you in about 50 years.
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A lot of things look cooler in slow motion. Eating isn't one of them.
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Statistics indicate that the average American is a guy named Brian who lives in Ohio.
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Small businesses are important, but so are tiny businesses.
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I wonder if, as a society, we will ever be able to call someone a jive tofurkey.
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I wanna put stickers on turtles... I don't know why.
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They say that structure is freedom, and in a sense it is. When you're dealing with multiple constraints, you have to figure out what you can get out of that.
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I just started doing this one-man show, and I wanted to be able to score it, so I bought a guitar, and got a keyboard and got a harmonica. I remember when I started that I didn't understand why a harmonica had different letters on them.
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I wanna buy a bunch of hermit crabs and make them live together.
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If I have to move up in a building, I choose the elevator over the escalator. Because one time I was riding the escalator and I tripped. I fell down the stairs for an hour and a half.
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The boomerang is Australia's chief export (and then import).
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The earth without art is just eh.
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I like birthdays because we celebrate life with cakes. It's so cool. Sometimes when I see a baby, I'm like that much more cake in the world. But then when someone dies, I'm like the cake streak is over.
Demetri Martin
I like stand-up. But I'd also like a family and house and a yard. I want to work with a lot of people, have colleagues and on good film sets, there's people there that work with the same people for years and years. I love that collaborative spirit in that medium. Comedy is a lot more solitary.
Demetri Martin
Leave no stone unturned in your quest to disrupt a rock garden.
Demetri Martin
I was stuck in traffic and I looked in the mirror and in the car behind me there was a couple having a horrible argument and right below their image it said Objects In Mirror Are Closer Than They Appear. I just thought, man I hope so because she was pretty mad.
Demetri Martin
