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Why are there not positive mysteries? It's always who stole the diamond, or who killed the butler? How about... who made cookies, somebody cleaned my room.
Demetri Martin
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Demetri Martin
Age: 51
Born: 1973
Born: May 25
Comedian
Film Actor
Film Director
Film Score Composer
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Voice Actor
New York City
New York
Demetri Evan Martin
Positive
Cleaned
Room
Butlers
Rooms
Stole
Somebody
Cookies
Made
Mysteries
Always
Diamond
Killed
Mystery
Butler
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The problem with my balloon collection is that people always think there's a party. Settle down. It's not a party. It's just balloons.
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I bought a dictionary. First thing I did was, I looked up the word dictionary, and it said you're an asshole.
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I like stand-up. But I'd also like a family and house and a yard. I want to work with a lot of people, have colleagues and on good film sets, there's people there that work with the same people for years and years. I love that collaborative spirit in that medium. Comedy is a lot more solitary.
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It seems that man's greatest natural enemy is the target.
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Usually, I walk around and think about things. When I come across a thought that makes me laugh, I write it down.
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I wanna design a video game where you'd have to take care of all the people shot in all the other video games.
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I didn't do improv in college, I never performed, I didn't do theater either. I was in student government, I was a history major.
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Stand-up is like a row boat: it's fun and romantic when you're choosing to do it. But if you have no other choice than to be in a row boat it's not as enjoyable that's survival.
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When you're wearing an animal costume and something bad happens, your facial expression doesn't change. The animal is deadpan the whole time. If you're skiing in a gorilla suit and you fall, you just see a gorilla who has no emotion. It's just a stoic gorilla, wildly falling down a hill, out of control.
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Checkers taught me that a King is a man with another man on top of him. But life taught me that that's actually called a Queen.
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Now I got a time machine at home. It only goes foreword at regular speed. It's essentially a cardboard box and on the outside I wrote time machine in sharpie.
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Leave no stone unturned in your quest to disrupt a rock garden.
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I was eating some candy and looked on the wrapper, and it said made from natural and artificial flavors. You could just say flavors.
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I got myself a really nice nib pen, with like 15 kinds of India Ink, and tons of different nibs I think I was just procrastinating, like, once I have the right nib, the book is just going to jump right out of my fingertips... but then it just ended up looking like the shitty drawings that I usually do.
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I like to go to concerts because I love to see my favorite band through the phone of the asshole who's standing in front of me.
Demetri Martin
Once I started to look i finally began to see.
Demetri Martin
I want to launch a globe into space just to mess with the astronauts.
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