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Why are there not positive mysteries? It's always who stole the diamond, or who killed the butler? How about... who made cookies, somebody cleaned my room.
Demetri Martin
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Demetri Martin
Age: 51
Born: 1973
Born: May 25
Comedian
Film Actor
Film Director
Film Score Composer
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Voice Actor
New York City
New York
Demetri Evan Martin
Room
Butlers
Rooms
Stole
Somebody
Cookies
Made
Mysteries
Always
Diamond
Killed
Mystery
Butler
Positive
Cleaned
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Halloween's my favorite holiday because you don't have to spend it with your family.
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I think it would be cool if you were writing a ransom note on your computer, if the paper clip popped up and said, 'Looks like you're writing a ransom note. Need help? You should use more forceful language, you'll get more money.'
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Timing is everything. That's a cliche. Now. If I'd said that a long time ago, I'd have been original.
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Glitter is the herpes of craft supplies.
Demetri Martin
Fire truck with back end on fire drives really fast in circles.
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A jerk on a motorcycle is equal to a leaf, because I find it beautiful when these things fall.
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It's always helpful to remember that in the grand scheme of things you are much more important than... um, wait, than... something, maybe.
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I don't know what the long form of OK is. I wanna think it's okie dokie. 'I'm okie dokie. I'm a little shaken up, but I'm okie dokie.' 'The good news is, she's okie dokie. The surgery went fine.'
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Everybody knew that you should never provoke a rattlesnake, much less tie it into a bow. But that didn't stop Judd. What did stop him was the rattlesnake.
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The easiest time to add insult to injury is when you're signing somebody's cast.
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I like digital cameras, because they enable you to reminisce immediately.
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Whenever I throw caution to the wind I make sure I'm facing the right way so that it doesn't blow back and hit me in my face.
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The best way to make somebody feel important is to try to assassinate them.
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Right now someone out there is struggling and starting to panic because they can't get out of a tempurpedic bed.
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The shortest distance between two idiots is a conga line.
Demetri Martin
I find that a shirt is most similar to a napkin when I don't have a napkin.
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It's funny: when people always talk about the importance of role models, I used to think that was so exaggerated, but as I get older, I start to realize I don't feel that way so much anymore. If you see somebody like you who's doing something, an older version of what you are, it does make you feel like it's more possible.
Demetri Martin
