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Why are there not positive mysteries? It's always who stole the diamond, or who killed the butler? How about... who made cookies, somebody cleaned my room.
Demetri Martin
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Demetri Martin
Age: 51
Born: 1973
Born: May 25
Comedian
Film Actor
Film Director
Film Score Composer
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Voice Actor
New York City
New York
Demetri Evan Martin
Rooms
Stole
Somebody
Cookies
Made
Mysteries
Always
Diamond
Killed
Mystery
Butler
Positive
Cleaned
Room
Butlers
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One of the most difficult and ironic murder weapons is the life jacket.
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One thing you never hear is Man that guy is good at badminton.
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I want to launch a globe into space just to mess with the astronauts.
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I love motor learning because it's very basic and primal. A lot of what I like to learn correlates with the opposite of what gets you laid. I can ride a unicycle and I can juggle. These are unimpressive things to know.
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You never forget your first kiss. And that's what makes it so hard to forgive my uncle.
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Separate but equal is terrible for education but it's perfect for eyebrows.
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Small businesses are important, but so are tiny businesses.
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Count your blessings, but not out-loud, at the top of your lungs.
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Sometimes if I really want to get someone's attention, I'll start a sentence with something like, I'm not racist, but... I say, I'm not racist, but you look great today. They say, That wasn't racist at all. I said, I know. I said I'm not racist. You never listen. Typical Mexican.
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Artistically, I find jokes really satisfying aesthetically, because there's something great about getting an idea down to a sentence or two.
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I like birthdays because we celebrate life with cakes. It's so cool. Sometimes when I see a baby, I'm like that much more cake in the world. But then when someone dies, I'm like the cake streak is over.
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I got into stand up just to do stand up because I love stand up.
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I can move objects with my mind, if I use my hands.
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Once I started to look i finally began to see.
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A know-it-all is a person who knows everything except for how annoying he is.
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A drunk driver is very dangerous. So is a drunk backseat driver if he's persuasive.
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I don't know what the long form of OK is. I wanna think it's okie dokie. 'I'm okie dokie. I'm a little shaken up, but I'm okie dokie.' 'The good news is, she's okie dokie. The surgery went fine.'
Demetri Martin
I have fun acting, and I want to do more of it, and I want to direct my own movie.
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One time I saw an old man in a hurry and I thought, 'That makes sense.'
Demetri Martin
Never be less interesting than your refrigerator magnets.
Demetri Martin
