Quote

Why are there not positive mysteries? It's always who stole the diamond, or who killed the butler? How about... who made cookies, somebody cleaned my room.

Demetri Martin

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Demetri Martin
Age: 51
Born: 1973
Born: May 25
Comedian
Film Actor
Film Director
Film Score Composer
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Voice Actor
New York City
New York
Demetri Evan Martin
Positive
Cleaned
Room
Butlers
Rooms
Stole
Somebody
Cookies
Made
Mysteries
Always
Diamond
Killed
Mystery
Butler

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A cool tattoo design is any drawing that would also look good saggy.
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I like birthdays because we celebrate life with cakes. It's so cool. Sometimes when I see a baby, I'm like that much more cake in the world. But then when someone dies, I'm like the cake streak is over.
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When I was a kid, I always wanted to live in California because I liked skateboarding.
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I'm a body builder, but I don't use weights. I use snacks. It's kind of a different building process.
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I bought a dictionary. First thing I did was, I looked up the word dictionary, and it said you're an asshole.
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I like shorter jokes. I like fewer words. I think the more ideas there are the, the fewer words there should be.
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I don't think I ever wrote a song. I can write a lot of jokes, but when I try to write lyrics they're the most direct, non-figurative words, like, 'I like you, I like you,'... and that's it, for the whole song. People would go, 'Ooh, this guy's Dylan or something.' It gives me a lot more respect for songwriters, actually.
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To get strangers to hate you even faster, crank up the volume on that very interesting ringtone of yours.
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There's an old Russian saying that goes some way or another. I don't know it. I don't speak Russian. But sometimes I think about it and wonder if it's relevant to what I'm going through at the time. Probably not. I mean what do Russian know about hunger, anyway?
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The problem with my balloon collection is that people always think there's a party. Settle down. It's not a party. It's just balloons.
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Timing is everything. That's a cliche. Now. If I'd said that a long time ago, I'd have been original.
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I tend to avoid televisions, politics, and places with velvet ropes.
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If you remove a treehouse from a tree, than it's just a shitty house. Sometimes when i'm in a shitty house, I like to imagine that it's in a tree, than it's like Woah, this house is amazing.
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Don't talk to strangers. Sure, unless you want to meet anyone ever.
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Now I got a time machine at home. It only goes foreword at regular speed. It's essentially a cardboard box and on the outside I wrote time machine in sharpie.
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