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Fire truck with back end on fire drives really fast in circles.

Demetri Martin

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Demetri Martin
Age: 51
Born: 1973
Born: May 25
Comedian
Film Actor
Film Director
Film Score Composer
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Voice Actor
New York City
New York
Demetri Evan Martin
Fire
Ends
Back
Really
Truck
Drives
Circles
Fast

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I have an erratic drummer for anybody who's just listening to this, he can keep time, but just in spurts.
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I just started doing this one-man show, and I wanted to be able to score it, so I bought a guitar, and got a keyboard and got a harmonica. I remember when I started that I didn't understand why a harmonica had different letters on them.
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When someone asks you the question 'Are you ticklish' it doesn't matter if you say yes or no, cause they're going to touch you. If someone asks if you're ticklish and you don't want to be touched you should something like 'I have diarrhea, now don't touch me cause you'll make it come out... and yes I'm very ticklish'.
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Checkers taught me that a King is a man with another man on top of him. But life taught me that that's actually called a Queen.
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Whenever I investigate a smell, I find that the answer is always bad. It's never: 'What is that? *sniff* muffins!'
Demetri Martin
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How fast does a zebra have to run before it looks gray.
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I never went bungee jumping. The closest I did was I was born.
Demetri Martin
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A parade looks like a bunch of people are excited about being in traffic.
Demetri Martin
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In retrospect, everything is finite, but prospectively, there are infinite possibilities. I guess that's what makes life hopeful.
Demetri Martin
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I believe in empathy. When religion provides that for people, it's the best thing in the world.
Demetri Martin
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There's a store in my neighborhood called Futon World. I like that name, 'Futon World.' Makes me think of a magical place that gets less and less comfortable over time.
Demetri Martin
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I am sometimes referred to as Excuse Me in an annoyed tone of voice, because apparently I am in the way. I am so sorry. I am supposed to be some sort of mind reader, I guess. I am moving out of the way now as slowly as I possibly can. I am doing this and there's nothing you can do about it.
Demetri Martin
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If you drink enough beer, everything turns in to a bed.
Demetri Martin
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If you want to dry hump someone you don't know, just act like they were choking.
Demetri Martin
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I wrapped my Christmas presents early this year, but I used the wrong paper. See, the paper I used said 'Happy Birthday' on it. I didn't want to waste it so I just wrote 'Jesus' on it.
Demetri Martin
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I think it would be worse to get mauled by a dancing bear than just a regular bear because you can't totally blame the dancing bear.
Demetri Martin
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Dogs seem more photogenic than cats. In photos most cats look like sociopaths.
Demetri Martin
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I saw a sign that said, 'Watch for children.' I was like, 'That sounds like a fair trade - especially if they're crappy kids.'
Demetri Martin
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I am a ceiling fan, especially during rain.
Demetri Martin
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Sometimes it looks like I'm dancing, but it's just that I walked into a spider web.
Demetri Martin