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99.99% of all castles in America are located in fish tanks.

Demetri Martin

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Demetri Martin
Age: 51
Born: 1973
Born: May 25
Comedian
Film Actor
Film Director
Film Score Composer
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Voice Actor
New York City
New York
Demetri Evan Martin
America
Located
Tanks
Castles
Fish
Fishes

More quotes by Demetri Martin

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I want to commit a crime during a reenactment, and turn it into an enactment.
Demetri Martin
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When I am holding a water balloon, so many things look so unnecessarily dry.
Demetri Martin
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I wanna buy a bunch of hermit crabs and make them live together.
Demetri Martin
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What's this about rice milk? I didn't even know rice had nipples!
Demetri Martin
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There's an old Russian saying that goes some way or another. I don't know it. I don't speak Russian. But sometimes I think about it and wonder if it's relevant to what I'm going through at the time. Probably not. I mean what do Russian know about hunger, anyway?
Demetri Martin
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My plumbing is all screwed up. Because it turns out, I do not own a garbage disposal.
Demetri Martin
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If you want to dry hump someone you don't know, just act like they were choking.
Demetri Martin
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I wanna see a snake eat spaghetti.
Demetri Martin
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I'm so secretive that when someone asks me, Hey, can you keep a secret? I say That's none of your business.
Demetri Martin
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I find that a shirt is most similar to a napkin when I don't have a napkin.
Demetri Martin
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Whenever I'm on my computer, I don't type 'lol'. I type 'lqtm' - laugh quietly to myself. It's more honest.
Demetri Martin
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Stand-up is like a row boat: it's fun and romantic when you're choosing to do it. But if you have no other choice than to be in a row boat it's not as enjoyable that's survival.
Demetri Martin
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It's hard to know what's gay in life. Boxing. That's two men fighting over a belt.
Demetri Martin
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How fast does a zebra have to run before it looks gray.
Demetri Martin
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I would like to have windshield wipers that do the whole windshield, please.
Demetri Martin
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Halloween: the day each year when strangers give you even more specific reasons to dislike them based on what they are wearing.
Demetri Martin
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I set a personal record on Christmas. I got my shopping done three weeks ahead of time. I had all the presents back at my apartment, I was halfway through wrapping them, and I realized, 'Damn, I used the wrong wrapping paper.' The paper I used said, 'Happy Birthday.' I didn't want to waste it, so I just wrote 'Jesus' on it.
Demetri Martin
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Sometimes I feel like I'm being watched, but then I remember that my show was canceled three years ago.
Demetri Martin
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I think it would be cool if you were writing a ransom note on your computer, if the paper clip popped up and said, 'Looks like you're writing a ransom note. Need help? You should use more forceful language, you'll get more money.'
Demetri Martin
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I do come across people who don't like me, don't like my comedy, don't think it's funny, it's too cutesy, or whatever they hate. And it's like, Okay. That's your opinion. Somebody liked it, so that's good. Hopefully it balances out.
Demetri Martin