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The best way to make somebody feel important is to try to assassinate them.

Demetri Martin

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Demetri Martin
Age: 51
Born: 1973
Born: May 25
Comedian
Film Actor
Film Director
Film Score Composer
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Voice Actor
New York City
New York
Demetri Evan Martin
Somebody
Best
Feel
Feels
Important
Trying
Way
Make
Assassinate

More quotes by Demetri Martin

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I wonder if there were any goths in gothic times. They're like: You look completely appropriate. You don't look stupid or lonely at all.
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I need to develop some patience - immediately.
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I bought a cactus. A week later it died. And I got depressed, because I thought, Damn. I am less nurturing than a desert.
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There's a store in my neighborhood called Futon World. I like that name, 'Futon World.' Makes me think of a magical place that gets less and less comfortable over time.
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I remember when I used to be really into nostalgia.
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When there's someone who's dead and then someone does something that that person would not have liked, they say that that person is spinning in their grave. But I don't understand why they say that. Why is spinning the way that a corpse shows disapproval?
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Right now someone out there is struggling and starting to panic because they can't get out of a tempurpedic bed.
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If I make my window ten days for stand-up, the conclusion is that I failed and that I'm not good at stand-up. If I make it ten years - if I just wait - the conclusion might be something totally different. I think it's so cool to do things in which you discover the malleability of your own mind.
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Dogs seem more photogenic than cats. In photos most cats look like sociopaths.
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Automatic paper towel dispensers are a solution to something that was never a problem in the first place.
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I want to get the joke to work without having to put any words or to say anything. I just want the person to look at it, and quietly in their brain, they can just put it together and say, Cool, that one works.
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The key to life is balance, especially if you are on a ledge.
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I got some new pajamas with pockets in 'em. Which is great, because before that, I used to have to hold stuff when I slept. But now I'm like, 'Where's my planner? There it is. Keep sleeping. All right, perfect.'
Demetri Martin
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I wrapped my Christmas presents early this year, but I used the wrong paper. See, the paper I used said 'Happy Birthday' on it. I didn't want to waste it so I just wrote 'Jesus' on it.
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Swimming is a confusing sport, because sometimes you do it for fun, and other times you do it to not die. And when I'm swimming, sometimes I'm not sure which one it is.
Demetri Martin
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My policy is 'No stone throwing regardless of housing situation.'
Demetri Martin
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I am a man of my word… and that word is “unreliable.
Demetri Martin
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I wonder if, as a society, we will ever be able to call someone a jive tofurkey.
Demetri Martin
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I wish I lived next to Carnegie Hall. Then, if someone asked me how to get to my house, I would just say 'Practice, practice, practice, and then take a left.'
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Nothing wise was ever printed upon an apron.
Demetri Martin