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Earrings are the same as sneezes: Two is okay, but ten in a row is annoying. If you have two then, God bless you.
Demetri Martin
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Demetri Martin
Age: 51
Born: 1973
Born: May 25
Comedian
Film Actor
Film Director
Film Score Composer
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Voice Actor
New York City
New York
Demetri Evan Martin
Ten
Okay
Two
Sneezes
Earrings
Annoying
Bless
More quotes by Demetri Martin
Surprise parties are strange 'cause people jump up and they yell the word, 'surprise' at the party. I came home and you emerged from my furniture. You don't have to tell me how to feel. I don't need a hint.
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Artistically, I find jokes really satisfying aesthetically, because there's something great about getting an idea down to a sentence or two.
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I wanna design a video game where you'd have to take care of all the people shot in all the other video games.
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Overheard today in restaurant: Can you stop listening to our conversation?
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In retrospect, everything is finite, but prospectively, there are infinite possibilities. I guess that's what makes life hopeful.
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When watering your plants, try to talk to them - say something like, Hold it right there and then shoot them with water gun.
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Glitter is the herpes of craft supplies.
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I'm so secretive that when someone asks me, Hey, can you keep a secret? I say That's none of your business.
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I like to go to concerts because I love to see my favorite band through the phone of the asshole who's standing in front of me.
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I just found out that I have more allies than America!
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I think it would be frustrating to be a match maker. What do you do? I'm a match maker Aw, that's really romantic No, umm... I actually... never mind
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I think it's cool when an ex-girlfriend becomes an XL girlfriend.
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Usually, I walk around and think about things. When I come across a thought that makes me laugh, I write it down.
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I used to play sports. Then I realized you can buy trophies. Now I am good at everything.
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When I trip, I feel like that's the world saying come here for a second. It just pulls me closer for a second, yeah what do you want? I just want to remind you that you're uncoordinated. I'm aware of that, thank you... can I go now? Yeah, you can go, but never ever try to outrun me. Ok, world, see you later. Yeah, I'll see you in about 50 years.
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When telling a story about how wasted you were last night, stop.
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I think if I pick the right thing to spend my time doing, then time moves differently, because I really can get fully immersed in things and feel very alive and challenged, but in a good way. I feel a sense of progress.
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I got into stand up just to do stand up because I love stand up.
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