Quote

Cotton candy is the perfect snack for when I'm in the mood to eat dry, scratchy fabric.

Demetri Martin

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Demetri Martin
Age: 51
Born: 1973
Born: May 25
Comedian
Film Actor
Film Director
Film Score Composer
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Voice Actor
New York City
New York
Demetri Evan Martin
Fabric
Mood
Perfect
Scratchy
Snack
Snacks
Cotton
Candy
Dry

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I still like paper books. Like, book is a flammable object. After you read it, you could use it to get warm. Or it could become a pile of napkins.
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Swimming is a confusing sport, because sometimes you do it for fun, and other times you do it to not die. And when I'm swimming, sometimes I'm not sure which one it is.
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I want to launch a globe into space just to mess with the astronauts.
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Whenever I investigate a smell, I find that the answer is always bad. It's never: 'What is that? *sniff* muffins!'
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I wonder if, as a society, we will ever be able to call someone a jive tofurkey.
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But I found that disappointing people is a good thing, because disapproval is freedom.
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I like video games, but they are very violent. I want to create a video game in which you have to help all the characters who have died in the other games. 'Hey, man, what are you playing?' 'Super Busy Hospital. Could you leave me alone? I'm performing surgery! This guy got shot in the head, like, 27 times!'
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Another thing that I like and that's fun for me is to try and talk and play music at the same time, because I feel like I'm learning something. There are these little challenges built into it it's a way to push myself a little bit more as a performer.
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I wish I lived next to Carnegie Hall. Then, if someone asked me how to get to my house, I would just say 'Practice, practice, practice, and then take a left.'
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How fast does a zebra have to run before it looks gray.
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Dogs seem more photogenic than cats. In photos most cats look like sociopaths.
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You never forget your first kiss. And that's what makes it so hard to forgive my uncle.
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They say it's lonely at the top. It must be even lonelier at the tippy top.
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The boomerang is Australia's chief export (and then import).
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It is impossible for a cyclops to wink.
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I just found out that I have more allies than America!
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I saw a sign that said, 'Watch for children.' I was like, 'That sounds like a fair trade - especially if they're crappy kids.'
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The difference between a child's toy and an adult toy is: location, location, location.
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Americans who do not celebrate Independence Day: pets.
Demetri Martin
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I wonder what the most intelligent thing ever said was that started with the word 'dude.' 'Dude, these are isotopes.' 'Dude, we removed your kidney. You're gonna be fine.' 'Dude, I am so stoked to win this Nobel Prize. I just wanna thank Kevin, and Turtle, and all my homies.'
Demetri Martin