Quote

Cotton candy is the perfect snack for when I'm in the mood to eat dry, scratchy fabric.

Demetri Martin

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Demetri Martin
Age: 51
Born: 1973
Born: May 25
Comedian
Film Actor
Film Director
Film Score Composer
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Voice Actor
New York City
New York
Demetri Evan Martin
Perfect
Scratchy
Snack
Snacks
Cotton
Candy
Dry
Fabric
Mood

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I bought a cactus. A week later it died. And I got depressed, because I thought, Damn. I am less nurturing than a desert.
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To get strangers to hate you even faster, crank up the volume on that very interesting ringtone of yours.
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It's interesting to be an adult and to have that level of ignorance about something, because the nice part about is you get that discovery. The learning curve is so rich and steep.
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It's funny: when people always talk about the importance of role models, I used to think that was so exaggerated, but as I get older, I start to realize I don't feel that way so much anymore. If you see somebody like you who's doing something, an older version of what you are, it does make you feel like it's more possible.
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I can always tell how stupid someone is by how certain they are about what they're saying.
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I bought a new pair of pajamas with pockets, which is great, cause now i don't have to hold things when I sleep.
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Whenever I'm on my computer, I don't type 'lol'. I type 'lqtm' - laugh quietly to myself. It's more honest.
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It feels like every day or two, people on Twitter and the Internet are outraged about something.
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What's this about rice milk? I didn't even know rice had nipples!
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Once I started to look i finally began to see.
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I wrapped my Christmas presents early this year, but I used the wrong paper. See, the paper I used said 'Happy Birthday' on it. I didn't want to waste it so I just wrote 'Jesus' on it.
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There's a very fine line between giving someone the Heimlich maneuver and dry-humping a stranger.
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I learned this summer that peeing in the pool and peeing INTO the pool are very different things. Location, Location, Location.
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Having a beard is a good way to make your face more susceptible to velcro.
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I wish I lived next to Carnegie Hall. Then, if someone asked me how to get to my house, I would just say 'Practice, practice, practice, and then take a left.'
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Statistics indicate that the average American is a guy named Brian who lives in Ohio.
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I think hair gel was invented to make it easier to identify assholes from a distance.
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I go the gym and I try to run on the treadmill and I listen to music but it doesn't motivate me enough. So I'm going to get a recording of a pack of wolves gaining on me. People would be like, 'Why is that guy crying on that treadmill over there?' 'I don't know, but he's been yelling, 'help' for like 20 minutes. He's getting a good workout.
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To some I am known as Chief. And these are usually people who work in Radio Shack or try to sell me shoes. To others I am known as Buddy. These are people who dwell in bars and wonder if I’ve got a problem or what it is that I am “looking at.” And to still others, who are in that same bar, standing just off to the side, I am “Get Him!
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When someone describes themself as a taxpayer, they're about to be an asshole.
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