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Halloween's my favorite holiday because you don't have to spend it with your family.

Demetri Martin

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Demetri Martin
Age: 51
Born: 1973
Born: May 25
Comedian
Film Actor
Film Director
Film Score Composer
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Voice Actor
New York City
New York
Demetri Evan Martin
Family
Halloween
Holiday
Favorite
Spend

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When someone describes themself as a taxpayer, they're about to be an asshole.
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If only loud people were even half as interesting as they think they are.
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I wish I lived next to Carnegie Hall. Then, if someone asked me how to get to my house, I would just say 'Practice, practice, practice, and then take a left.'
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Automatic paper towel dispensers are a solution to something that was never a problem in the first place.
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When I am at rodeo I find it difficult not to root for the animals.
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Whenever I see an autobiography for sale in the book store i just flip to the about the author section. I'm like, Done, next!
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I like video games, but they are very violent. I want to create a video game in which you have to help all the characters who have died in the other games. 'Hey, man, what are you playing?' 'Super Busy Hospital. Could you leave me alone? I'm performing surgery! This guy got shot in the head, like, 27 times!'
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I can move objects with my mind, if I use my hands.
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If you want to dry hump someone you don't know, just act like they were choking.
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To get strangers to hate you even faster, crank up the volume on that very interesting ringtone of yours.
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Brought to you by raising your voice. The next best thing to being right.
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Never forget where you came from. That's what I think when I walk into a cave.
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I wasn't even a big comedy nerd. A lot of the comedians I know - a lot of my friends are comedians - they knew a lot about comedy growing up.
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The shortest distance between two idiots is a conga line.
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I find that a shirt is most similar to a napkin when I don't have a napkin.
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A drunk driver is very dangerous. So is a drunk backseat driver if he's persuasive.
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Never be less interesting than your refrigerator magnets.
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It feels like every day or two, people on Twitter and the Internet are outraged about something.
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It would be interesting if Elvis were reincarnated as an Elvis impersonator.
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I wonder if there were any goths in gothic times. They're like: You look completely appropriate. You don't look stupid or lonely at all.
Demetri Martin