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I can tell how lonely I am by how easily I'm fooled by a mannequin in a store.

Demetri Martin

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Demetri Martin
Age: 51
Born: 1973
Born: May 25
Comedian
Film Actor
Film Director
Film Score Composer
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Voice Actor
New York City
New York
Demetri Evan Martin
Easily
Lonely
Tell
Mannequin
Fooled
Store
Stores

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If you drink enough beer, everything turns in to a bed.
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Socrates became a trendsetter. Other philosophers, including Plato and Aristotle and Gus, quickly followed suit, dropping their last names too. And, for centuries after that there would be countless imitators including oltaire, Michelangelo, and, much later, Cher.
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One of my favorite clothing patterns is camouflage. Because when you're in the woods it makes you blend in. But when you're not it does just the opposite. It's like, 'Hey, there's an asshole.'
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How to be a bouncer: be an asshole stand near a door.
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I saw a transvestite wearing a T-shirt that said 'Guess'.
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I never set out to do a sketch show.
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I think it would be frustrating to be a match maker. What do you do? I'm a match maker Aw, that's really romantic No, umm... I actually... never mind
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A sports bar is a way to take a bar and fill it with even more annoying people than usual.
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My mind says one thing, but my body says another. Thanks a lot, Indian food and beer.
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One time I saw an old man in a hurry and I thought, 'That makes sense.'
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I think it would be cool if you were writing a ransom note on your computer, if the paper clip popped up and said, 'Looks like you're writing a ransom note. Need help? You should use more forceful language, you'll get more money.'
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There's a very fine line between giving someone the Heimlich maneuver and dry-humping a stranger.
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I have fun acting, and I want to do more of it, and I want to direct my own movie.
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Planning trip around the globe, that is in my room.
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When people show me pictures of their kids, it's okay. But when I give them a picture of me, to show to their kids, I'm weird. What kind of one way street is that?
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When there's someone who's dead and then someone does something that that person would not have liked, they say that that person is spinning in their grave. But I don't understand why they say that. Why is spinning the way that a corpse shows disapproval?
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REGARDING THE MARCHING BAND: How much more interesting it would be to see a creeping band.
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I go the gym and I try to run on the treadmill and I listen to music but it doesn't motivate me enough. So I'm going to get a recording of a pack of wolves gaining on me. People would be like, 'Why is that guy crying on that treadmill over there?' 'I don't know, but he's been yelling, 'help' for like 20 minutes. He's getting a good workout.
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I used to get bummed out when it rained then I realized that it's God's way of washing off hippies.
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A dreamcatcher works, if your dream is to be gay.
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