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I can tell how lonely I am by how easily I'm fooled by a mannequin in a store.

Demetri Martin

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Demetri Martin
Age: 51
Born: 1973
Born: May 25
Comedian
Film Actor
Film Director
Film Score Composer
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Voice Actor
New York City
New York
Demetri Evan Martin
Stores
Easily
Lonely
Tell
Mannequin
Fooled
Store

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Stand up is really fun because if I think of a joke or a funny idea, then I can just go and tell some people and if they laugh, they laugh right away.
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99.99% of all castles in America are located in fish tanks.
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If I could control the behavior of fat guys I would make them ride mopeds more often.
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It's always helpful to remember that in the grand scheme of things you are much more important than... um, wait, than... something, maybe.
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I got myself a really nice nib pen, with like 15 kinds of India Ink, and tons of different nibs I think I was just procrastinating, like, once I have the right nib, the book is just going to jump right out of my fingertips... but then it just ended up looking like the shitty drawings that I usually do.
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If you happen to catch on fire during the show, do not panic or wave your arms around or scream or we wil give something to panic and wave you arms around and scream about.
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How fast does a zebra have to run before it looks gray.
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You can say 'Thanks,' and you can say 'Thanks a Million' - but any number in between?
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I've never read an article of clothing.
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Don't forget to turn your clocks back today if you don't want your clocks to be set to the right time.
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Why are there not positive mysteries? It's always who stole the diamond, or who killed the butler? How about... who made cookies, somebody cleaned my room.
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I never went bungee jumping. The closest I did was I was born.
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There are very few songs about just liking someone as a friend.
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A good name for a gang would be The Uneducated Idiot Tough Guys.
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I wanna design a video game where you'd have to take care of all the people shot in all the other video games.
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Specifically in stand-up, I love jokes. I love short, structured ideas and a punchline.
Demetri Martin
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I like stand-up. But I'd also like a family and house and a yard. I want to work with a lot of people, have colleagues and on good film sets, there's people there that work with the same people for years and years. I love that collaborative spirit in that medium. Comedy is a lot more solitary.
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Fire truck with back end on fire drives really fast in circles.
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I was stuck in traffic and I looked in the mirror and in the car behind me there was a couple having a horrible argument and right below their image it said Objects In Mirror Are Closer Than They Appear. I just thought, man I hope so because she was pretty mad.
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I like parties, but I don't like piñatas because the pinata promotes violence against flamboyant animals. Hey, there's a donkey with some pizzazz. Let's kick its ass.
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