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I can tell how lonely I am by how easily I'm fooled by a mannequin in a store.

Demetri Martin

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Demetri Martin
Age: 51
Born: 1973
Born: May 25
Comedian
Film Actor
Film Director
Film Score Composer
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Voice Actor
New York City
New York
Demetri Evan Martin
Easily
Lonely
Tell
Mannequin
Fooled
Store
Stores

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Right now someone out there is struggling and starting to panic because they can't get out of a tempurpedic bed.
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At any minute, I am four minutes from a poncho.
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I like playing frisbee. It is the only sport where you can throw something at a person and it's okay.
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I equals all of the ifs added up over time. The ifs, those are the possibilities that's infinite for all of us. Every day there are just millions of them. Time, that's finite for each of us there is no question there. Maybe if you divide choices by the amount of time you have, the real I can emerge, depending upon those choices.
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When someone asks you the question 'Are you ticklish' it doesn't matter if you say yes or no, cause they're going to touch you. If someone asks if you're ticklish and you don't want to be touched you should something like 'I have diarrhea, now don't touch me cause you'll make it come out... and yes I'm very ticklish'.
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Easy way to make someone sound less powerful, just put DJ in front of their name... ..DJ Abraham Lincoln
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It is a little ironic that one thing a babysitter should not do is sit on a baby.
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Americans who do not celebrate Independence Day: pets.
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It's not enough to say I'm sorry. You have to also mean it. It's the same with saying I'm single.
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I never went bungee jumping. The closest I did was I was born.
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Why are there not positive mysteries? It's always who stole the diamond, or who killed the butler? How about... who made cookies, somebody cleaned my room.
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Separate but equal is terrible for education but it's perfect for eyebrows.
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When I look up at the clouds I see so many animals, mostly sheep who have lost their limbs and heads.
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Usually, I walk around and think about things. When I come across a thought that makes me laugh, I write it down.
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I've often liked a girl, made her laugh, and thought she liked me, and then found out that she didn't like me that way. I've definitely done time in the friend zone.
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I want to make a revolving door that says 'Pull' on it, just see how obedient people are.
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I care about politics, but I have a tough time making comedy out of it. I was so happy to have a chance to be on The Daily Show, and I think Jon Stewart's so funny... but mostly in my own comedy, I care about less relevant things.
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I was student council president in high school, and even in law school, I was vice-president of the student bar association.
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Automatic paper towel dispensers are a solution to something that was never a problem in the first place.
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When I trip, I feel like that's the world saying come here for a second. It just pulls me closer for a second, yeah what do you want? I just want to remind you that you're uncoordinated. I'm aware of that, thank you... can I go now? Yeah, you can go, but never ever try to outrun me. Ok, world, see you later. Yeah, I'll see you in about 50 years.
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