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Statistics indicate that the average American is a guy named Brian who lives in Ohio.
Demetri Martin
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Demetri Martin
Age: 51
Born: 1973
Born: May 25
Comedian
Film Actor
Film Director
Film Score Composer
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Voice Actor
New York City
New York
Demetri Evan Martin
Guy
American
Lives
Indicate
Brian
Ohio
Named
Statistics
Average
More quotes by Demetri Martin
I ordered a wake-up call the other day. The phone rang and a woman's voice said, 'What the hell are you doing with your life?'
Demetri Martin
I want to make a revolving door that says 'Pull' on it, just see how obedient people are.
Demetri Martin
I think since I was kid people told me that they thought I was funny.
Demetri Martin
Count your blessings, but not out-loud, at the top of your lungs.
Demetri Martin
Automatic paper towel dispensers are a solution to something that was never a problem in the first place.
Demetri Martin
If you drink enough beer, everything turns in to a bed.
Demetri Martin
Americans who do not celebrate Independence Day: pets.
Demetri Martin
Your mind is like a sponge, in the sense that it would come in handy when cleaning off a countertop or something like that.
Demetri Martin
You never forget your first kiss. And that's what makes it so hard to forgive my uncle.
Demetri Martin
Turtles are greater than baby nephews, because it's ok to drop a turtle.
Demetri Martin
I wanna put stickers on turtles... I don't know why.
Demetri Martin
Once I started to look i finally began to see.
Demetri Martin
The earth without art is just eh.
Demetri Martin
I am a man of my word… and that word is “unreliable.
Demetri Martin
Sometimes I feel like I'm being watched, but then I remember that my show was canceled three years ago.
Demetri Martin
If I think of a joke that's really dirty and I think it's funny I'll try it but what I've found over the years is they just don't laugh. It doesn't work coming out of my mouth so it's like they taught me 'don't do that. Don't go that way or you'll lose me.'
Demetri Martin
Easy way to make someone sound less powerful, just put DJ in front of their name... ..DJ Abraham Lincoln
Demetri Martin
Don't forget to turn your clocks back today if you don't want your clocks to be set to the right time.
Demetri Martin
Whenever I throw caution to the wind I make sure I'm facing the right way so that it doesn't blow back and hit me in my face.
Demetri Martin
I wasn't even a big comedy nerd. A lot of the comedians I know - a lot of my friends are comedians - they knew a lot about comedy growing up.
Demetri Martin