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Statistics indicate that the average American is a guy named Brian who lives in Ohio.

Demetri Martin

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Demetri Martin
Age: 51
Born: 1973
Born: May 25
Comedian
Film Actor
Film Director
Film Score Composer
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Voice Actor
New York City
New York
Demetri Evan Martin
Ohio
Named
Statistics
Average
Guy
American
Lives
Indicate
Brian

More quotes by Demetri Martin

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I was student council president in high school, and even in law school, I was vice-president of the student bar association.
Demetri Martin
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If I could control the behavior of fat guys I would make them ride mopeds more often.
Demetri Martin
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The best way to make somebody feel important is to try to assassinate them.
Demetri Martin
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I think it's cool when an ex-girlfriend becomes an XL girlfriend.
Demetri Martin
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If I were blind, I'd wear a blindfold all the time.
Demetri Martin
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I am sometimes referred to as Excuse Me in an annoyed tone of voice, because apparently I am in the way. I am so sorry. I am supposed to be some sort of mind reader, I guess. I am moving out of the way now as slowly as I possibly can. I am doing this and there's nothing you can do about it.
Demetri Martin
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I care about politics, but I have a tough time making comedy out of it. I was so happy to have a chance to be on The Daily Show, and I think Jon Stewart's so funny... but mostly in my own comedy, I care about less relevant things.
Demetri Martin
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I need to develop some patience - immediately.
Demetri Martin
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A drunk driver is very dangerous. So is a drunk backseat driver if he's persuasive.
Demetri Martin
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Man is the most powerful creature on the planet. And we're arrogant. I mean, people own birds. It's like, there's a creature with the gift of flight. I want it. I'm going to put it in my kitchen and make it crap on old information.
Demetri Martin
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I am a man of my word… and that word is “unreliable.
Demetri Martin
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I think if I pick the right thing to spend my time doing, then time moves differently, because I really can get fully immersed in things and feel very alive and challenged, but in a good way. I feel a sense of progress.
Demetri Martin
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Planning trip around the globe, that is in my room.
Demetri Martin
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My family was fine, it's just a different way of going about life. Creativity was not something that was isolated and identified and valued.
Demetri Martin
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A refrigerator is the opposite of a drug addict, because a refrigerator starts in a box and then moves to a house.
Demetri Martin
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Yes, okay, it's cool to be quirky, maybe, on the side. Do some puzzles, make puzzles, whatever, learn how to ride a unicycle. That's cool when it's on the side and you have a plan. What happens when you remove the plan? What you're left with is a guy who likes to do anagrams. And doesn't have a job... Sweet, that's a catch.
Demetri Martin
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I am everything and I am nothing. I am just kidding I am not everything and nothing. That would be ridiculous. I am just everything.
Demetri Martin
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REGARDING THE MARCHING BAND: How much more interesting it would be to see a creeping band.
Demetri Martin
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I'm very hip-oriented. I focus on hips in my comedy - probably more than any other hipster comic who is out there hipping today. My hips, other hips. I work with my hips a great deal. That is what I do. But not in a gay way.
Demetri Martin
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I like birthdays because we celebrate life with cakes. It's so cool. Sometimes when I see a baby, I'm like that much more cake in the world. But then when someone dies, I'm like the cake streak is over.
Demetri Martin