Quote

We do not allow dwarf tossing. If you toss a dwarf, the dwarf will be tossed right back at you, but faster.

Demetri Martin

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Demetri Martin
Age: 51
Born: 1973
Born: May 25
Comedian
Film Actor
Film Director
Film Score Composer
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Voice Actor
New York City
New York
Demetri Evan Martin
Faster
Allow
Back
Tossing
Right
Dwarf
Dwarves
Tossed
Dwarfs
Toss

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It is impossible for a cyclops to wink.
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I think it would be worse to get mauled by a dancing bear than just a regular bear because you can't totally blame the dancing bear.
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You never forget your first kiss. And that's what makes it so hard to forgive my uncle.
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I like playing frisbee. It is the only sport where you can throw something at a person and it's okay.
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I would like to have windshield wipers that do the whole windshield, please.
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I like digital cameras, because they enable you to reminisce immediately.
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A refrigerator is the opposite of a drug addict, because a refrigerator starts in a box and then moves to a house.
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Cotton candy is the perfect snack for when I'm in the mood to eat dry, scratchy fabric.
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Turtles are greater than baby nephews, because it's ok to drop a turtle.
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If I have to move up in a building, I choose the elevator over the escalator. Because one time I was riding the escalator and I tripped. I fell down the stairs for an hour and a half.
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What's this about rice milk? I didn't even know rice had nipples!
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I care about politics, but I have a tough time making comedy out of it. I was so happy to have a chance to be on The Daily Show, and I think Jon Stewart's so funny... but mostly in my own comedy, I care about less relevant things.
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I do come across people who don't like me, don't like my comedy, don't think it's funny, it's too cutesy, or whatever they hate. And it's like, Okay. That's your opinion. Somebody liked it, so that's good. Hopefully it balances out.
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When telling a story about how wasted you were last night, stop.
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To some I am known as Chief. And these are usually people who work in Radio Shack or try to sell me shoes. To others I am known as Buddy. These are people who dwell in bars and wonder if I’ve got a problem or what it is that I am “looking at.” And to still others, who are in that same bar, standing just off to the side, I am “Get Him!
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When someone shows you a picture of their kids what they don't want to hear is Oh, yeah, I got pictures of your kid too.
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It is a little ironic that one thing a babysitter should not do is sit on a baby.
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As soon as I jumped out of the airplane, I realized I had forgotten my parachute. Thank God we were still on the runway.
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I was walking in the park and this guy waved at me. Then he said, 'I'm sorry, I thought you were someone else.' I said, 'I am.'
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I wanna put stickers on turtles... I don't know why.
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