Quote

We do not allow dwarf tossing. If you toss a dwarf, the dwarf will be tossed right back at you, but faster.

Demetri Martin

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Demetri Martin
Age: 51
Born: 1973
Born: May 25
Comedian
Film Actor
Film Director
Film Score Composer
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Voice Actor
New York City
New York
Demetri Evan Martin
Allow
Back
Tossing
Right
Dwarf
Dwarves
Tossed
Dwarfs
Toss
Faster

More quotes by Demetri Martin

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I think, at first blush, the '60s always enticed me. There's something about the '60s, it's not hard to like it.
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I want to make a revolving door that says 'Pull' on it, just see how obedient people are.
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I wasn't the class clown, but I was starting to become the crazy guy at law school, which is the guy who is not so much crazy as annoying.
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A lot of things look cooler in slow motion. Eating isn't one of them.
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If I have to move up in a building, I choose the elevator over the escalator. Because one time I was riding the escalator and I tripped. I fell down the stairs for an hour and a half.
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It is impossible for a cyclops to wink.
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A couple weeks ago I was on the street and I saw an ugly pregnant lady, and I just thought, 'Good for you.'
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When a Dalmatian sees a cow he must be like, 'What the hell happened to him? I am high right now. That dalmatian is fat and smeary.' When the cow sees the Dalmatian he must be like, 'He looks amazing. I am so out of shape, this is ridiculous. My tits are on the ground here.
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I think a lot of stuff I find funny is from day dreaming.
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Whenever I'm on my computer, I don't type 'lol'. I type 'lqtm' - laugh quietly to myself. It's more honest.
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If you want to dry hump someone you don't know, just act like they were choking.
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I like shorter jokes. I like fewer words. I think the more ideas there are the, the fewer words there should be.
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I think it would be cool if you were writing a ransom note on your computer, if the paper clip popped up and said, 'Looks like you're writing a ransom note. Need help? You should use more forceful language, you'll get more money.'
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I am what I eat. And I am this especially when I bite my nails.
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The bird, the bee, the running child are all the same to the sliding glass door.
Demetri Martin
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I wish my name started with a comma. That would be so dramatic.
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In retrospect, everything is finite, but prospectively, there are infinite possibilities. I guess that's what makes life hopeful.
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Don't forget to turn your clocks back today if you don't want your clocks to be set to the right time.
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Surprise parties are strange 'cause people jump up and they yell the word, 'surprise' at the party. I came home and you emerged from my furniture. You don't have to tell me how to feel. I don't need a hint.
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What's this about rice milk? I didn't even know rice had nipples!
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