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Count your blessings, but not out-loud, at the top of your lungs.

Demetri Martin

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Demetri Martin
Age: 51
Born: 1973
Born: May 25
Comedian
Film Actor
Film Director
Film Score Composer
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Voice Actor
New York City
New York
Demetri Evan Martin
Lungs
Blessings
Count
Loud
Blessing

More quotes by Demetri Martin

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Turtles are greater than baby nephews, because it's ok to drop a turtle.
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Nothing wise was ever printed upon an apron.
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A dreamcatcher works, if your dream is to be gay.
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Vampire fad just won't die. Makes sense, I guess.
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You are ten times more likely to get hit by a car when the driver is aiming for you.
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A good name for a gang would be The Uneducated Idiot Tough Guys.
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I think there are so many little hurdles and impediments with stand-up that you'd need to have this insane desire to do it if you didn't have something that clicked right away.
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I love motor learning because it's very basic and primal. A lot of what I like to learn correlates with the opposite of what gets you laid. I can ride a unicycle and I can juggle. These are unimpressive things to know.
Demetri Martin
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Checkers taught me that a King is a man with another man on top of him. But life taught me that that's actually called a Queen.
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I used to get bummed out when it rained then I realized that it's God's way of washing off hippies.
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I do come across people who don't like me, don't like my comedy, don't think it's funny, it's too cutesy, or whatever they hate. And it's like, Okay. That's your opinion. Somebody liked it, so that's good. Hopefully it balances out.
Demetri Martin
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If I think of a joke that's really dirty and I think it's funny I'll try it but what I've found over the years is they just don't laugh. It doesn't work coming out of my mouth so it's like they taught me 'don't do that. Don't go that way or you'll lose me.'
Demetri Martin
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Rock is fine. No structural damage to rock. Rock can break through paper at any point. Just say the word. Paper sucks.
Demetri Martin
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When I trip, I feel like that's the world saying come here for a second. It just pulls me closer for a second, yeah what do you want? I just want to remind you that you're uncoordinated. I'm aware of that, thank you... can I go now? Yeah, you can go, but never ever try to outrun me. Ok, world, see you later. Yeah, I'll see you in about 50 years.
Demetri Martin
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I wasn't the class clown, but I was starting to become the crazy guy at law school, which is the guy who is not so much crazy as annoying.
Demetri Martin
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This is a pie chart about procrastination.
Demetri Martin
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When you have a fat friend there are no see-saws, only catapults.
Demetri Martin
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What's this about rice milk? I didn't even know rice had nipples!
Demetri Martin
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I still like paper books. Like, book is a flammable object. After you read it, you could use it to get warm. Or it could become a pile of napkins.
Demetri Martin
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Brought to you by raising your voice. The next best thing to being right.
Demetri Martin