Quote

I remember when I used to be really into nostalgia.

Demetri Martin

Change background

T
T
T

Change font

TAGS & TOPICS

Demetri Martin
Age: 51
Born: 1973
Born: May 25
Comedian
Film Actor
Film Director
Film Score Composer
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Voice Actor
New York City
New York
Demetri Evan Martin
Nostalgia
Remember
Used
Really

More quotes by Demetri Martin

Image
Sometimes if I really want to get someone's attention, I'll start a sentence with something like, I'm not racist, but... I say, I'm not racist, but you look great today. They say, That wasn't racist at all. I said, I know. I said I'm not racist. You never listen. Typical Mexican.
Demetri Martin
Image
Why are there not positive mysteries? It's always who stole the diamond, or who killed the butler? How about... who made cookies, somebody cleaned my room.
Demetri Martin
Image
Sometimes it looks like I'm dancing, but it's just that I walked into a spider web.
Demetri Martin
Image
I used to play sports. Then I realized you can buy trophies. Now I am good at everything.
Demetri Martin
Image
Sometimes I feel like I'm being watched, but then I remember that my show was canceled three years ago.
Demetri Martin
Image
I didn't do improv in college, I never performed, I didn't do theater either. I was in student government, I was a history major.
Demetri Martin
Image
I learned this summer that peeing in the pool and peeing INTO the pool are very different things. Location, Location, Location.
Demetri Martin
Image
The chances of someone who looks like Jesus having pot raises steadily, to a point. If the guy is on a cross you may have the wrong guy.
Demetri Martin
Image
A drunk driver is very dangerous. So is a drunk backseat driver if he's persuasive.
Demetri Martin
Image
When someone describes themself as a taxpayer, they're about to be an asshole.
Demetri Martin
Image
When you have a fat friend there are no see-saws, only catapults.
Demetri Martin
Image
When you're wearing an animal costume and something bad happens, your facial expression doesn't change. The animal is deadpan the whole time. If you're skiing in a gorilla suit and you fall, you just see a gorilla who has no emotion. It's just a stoic gorilla, wildly falling down a hill, out of control.
Demetri Martin
Image
As soon as I jumped out of the airplane, I realized I had forgotten my parachute. Thank God we were still on the runway.
Demetri Martin
Image
The sofa is the enemy of productivity.
Demetri Martin
Image
Usually, I walk around and think about things. When I come across a thought that makes me laugh, I write it down.
Demetri Martin
Image
I was eating some candy and looked on the wrapper, and it said made from natural and artificial flavors. You could just say flavors.
Demetri Martin
Image
I got some new pajamas with pockets in 'em. Which is great, because before that, I used to have to hold stuff when I slept. But now I'm like, 'Where's my planner? There it is. Keep sleeping. All right, perfect.'
Demetri Martin
Image
If you want to dry hump someone you don't know, just act like they were choking.
Demetri Martin
Image
I go the gym and I try to run on the treadmill and I listen to music but it doesn't motivate me enough. So I'm going to get a recording of a pack of wolves gaining on me. People would be like, 'Why is that guy crying on that treadmill over there?' 'I don't know, but he's been yelling, 'help' for like 20 minutes. He's getting a good workout.
Demetri Martin
Image
Artistically, I find jokes really satisfying aesthetically, because there's something great about getting an idea down to a sentence or two.
Demetri Martin