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I can always tell how stupid someone is by how certain they are about what they're saying.

Demetri Martin

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Demetri Martin
Age: 51
Born: 1973
Born: May 25
Comedian
Film Actor
Film Director
Film Score Composer
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Voice Actor
New York City
New York
Demetri Evan Martin
Tell
Someone
Certain
Always
Stupid
Saying

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To me, comedy is a game.
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They say that structure is freedom, and in a sense it is. When you're dealing with multiple constraints, you have to figure out what you can get out of that.
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Small businesses are important, but so are tiny businesses.
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When I am at rodeo I find it difficult not to root for the animals.
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When I was a kid, I always wanted to live in California because I liked skateboarding.
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I want to launch a globe into space just to mess with the astronauts.
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I think there's a difference between making comedy and reporting comedy. When you're a joke teller you can easily fall into the second, you can show up and just say the jokes.
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Separate but equal is terrible for education but it's perfect for eyebrows.
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If someone throws a pie at your face, just open your mouth really wide and say, 'Thanks for feeding me, a**hole.'
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Once I started to look i finally began to see.
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I want to make a revolving door that says 'Pull' on it, just see how obedient people are.
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Artistically, I find jokes really satisfying aesthetically, because there's something great about getting an idea down to a sentence or two.
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When someone shows you a picture of their kids what they don't want to hear is Oh, yeah, I got pictures of your kid too.
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Why are there not positive mysteries? It's always who stole the diamond, or who killed the butler? How about... who made cookies, somebody cleaned my room.
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I bought a dictionary. First thing I did was, I looked up the word dictionary, and it said you're an asshole.
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A good name for a gang would be The Uneducated Idiot Tough Guys.
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If you want to dry hump someone you don't know, just act like they were choking.
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But I found that disappointing people is a good thing, because disapproval is freedom.
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Whenever I throw caution to the wind I make sure I'm facing the right way so that it doesn't blow back and hit me in my face.
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