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I can always tell how stupid someone is by how certain they are about what they're saying.

Demetri Martin

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Demetri Martin
Age: 51
Born: 1973
Born: May 25
Comedian
Film Actor
Film Director
Film Score Composer
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Voice Actor
New York City
New York
Demetri Evan Martin
Tell
Someone
Certain
Always
Stupid
Saying

More quotes by Demetri Martin

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I wasn't even a big comedy nerd. A lot of the comedians I know - a lot of my friends are comedians - they knew a lot about comedy growing up.
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When I was a kid, I always wanted to live in California because I liked skateboarding.
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I am a comedian but it's usually not a compliment to be called a prop comedian but I guess I sometimes use props. And I always confuse humorist with comedian. That's strange.
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It's hard to know what's gay in life. Boxing. That's two men fighting over a belt.
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I wanna put stickers on turtles... I don't know why.
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I didn't do improv in college, I never performed, I didn't do theater either. I was in student government, I was a history major.
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Halloween's my favorite holiday because you don't have to spend it with your family.
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I wonder if, as a society, we will ever be able to call someone a jive tofurkey.
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The difference between a child's toy and an adult toy is: location, location, location.
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If I were blind, I'd wear a blindfold all the time.
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If I make my window ten days for stand-up, the conclusion is that I failed and that I'm not good at stand-up. If I make it ten years - if I just wait - the conclusion might be something totally different. I think it's so cool to do things in which you discover the malleability of your own mind.
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Everybody knew that you should never provoke a rattlesnake, much less tie it into a bow. But that didn't stop Judd. What did stop him was the rattlesnake.
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A parade looks like a bunch of people are excited about being in traffic.
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If I think of a joke that's really dirty and I think it's funny I'll try it but what I've found over the years is they just don't laugh. It doesn't work coming out of my mouth so it's like they taught me 'don't do that. Don't go that way or you'll lose me.'
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I was eating some candy and looked on the wrapper, and it said made from natural and artificial flavors. You could just say flavors.
Demetri Martin
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Halloween: the day each year when strangers give you even more specific reasons to dislike them based on what they are wearing.
Demetri Martin
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I think a lot of people who watch TV don't realize when they're watch TV shows and it says 'produced by' and producer, producer... there are all these producers. What the hell does a producer do? It's funny how much you have to worry about as a producer.
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I would like to have windshield wipers that do the whole windshield, please.
Demetri Martin
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When telling a story about how wasted you were last night, stop.
Demetri Martin
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This is a pie chart about procrastination.
Demetri Martin