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I can always tell how stupid someone is by how certain they are about what they're saying.

Demetri Martin

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Demetri Martin
Age: 51
Born: 1973
Born: May 25
Comedian
Film Actor
Film Director
Film Score Composer
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Voice Actor
New York City
New York
Demetri Evan Martin
Stupid
Saying
Tell
Someone
Certain
Always

More quotes by Demetri Martin

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Stand up is really fun because if I think of a joke or a funny idea, then I can just go and tell some people and if they laugh, they laugh right away.
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Artistically, I find jokes really satisfying aesthetically, because there's something great about getting an idea down to a sentence or two.
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My friend has hand soap that smells like coconut. It's nice. Unless your hands are dirty from coconuts.
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I used to play sports. Then I realized you can buy trophies. Now I am good at everything.
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I was walking in the park and this guy waved at me. Then he said, 'I'm sorry, I thought you were someone else.' I said, 'I am.'
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And as far as actors go, Peter Sellers is my all-time favorite.
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As soon as I jumped out of the airplane, I realized I had forgotten my parachute. Thank God we were still on the runway.
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I was on the train the other day, and I heard somebody say, I'm really good at checkers. That's the same thing as saying, I'm not good at very many things.
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I don't like thank you cards because I don't know what else to say. What do I put on the inside? See Front.
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I think hair gel was invented to make it easier to identify assholes from a distance.
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Whenever I throw caution to the wind I make sure I'm facing the right way so that it doesn't blow back and hit me in my face.
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A lot of things look cooler in slow motion. Eating isn't one of them.
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If you drink enough beer, everything turns in to a bed.
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Socrates became a trendsetter. Other philosophers, including Plato and Aristotle and Gus, quickly followed suit, dropping their last names too. And, for centuries after that there would be countless imitators including oltaire, Michelangelo, and, much later, Cher.
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I wanna design a video game where you'd have to take care of all the people shot in all the other video games.
Demetri Martin
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One of my favorite clothing patterns is camouflage. Because when you're in the woods it makes you blend in. But when you're not it does just the opposite. It's like, 'Hey, there's an asshole.'
Demetri Martin
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I think it would be worse to get mauled by a dancing bear than just a regular bear because you can't totally blame the dancing bear.
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I don't know what the long form of OK is. I wanna think it's okie dokie. 'I'm okie dokie. I'm a little shaken up, but I'm okie dokie.' 'The good news is, she's okie dokie. The surgery went fine.'
Demetri Martin
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You get really disillusioned, because you thought you were in love. But you realize that you're just alone.
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The difference between a child's toy and an adult toy is: location, location, location.
Demetri Martin