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I can always tell how stupid someone is by how certain they are about what they're saying.

Demetri Martin

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Demetri Martin
Age: 51
Born: 1973
Born: May 25
Comedian
Film Actor
Film Director
Film Score Composer
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Voice Actor
New York City
New York
Demetri Evan Martin
Saying
Tell
Someone
Certain
Always
Stupid

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I wish my name started with a comma. That would be so dramatic.
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I never set out to do a sketch show.
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My plumbing is all screwed up. Because it turns out, I do not own a garbage disposal.
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I go the gym and I try to run on the treadmill and I listen to music but it doesn't motivate me enough. So I'm going to get a recording of a pack of wolves gaining on me. People would be like, 'Why is that guy crying on that treadmill over there?' 'I don't know, but he's been yelling, 'help' for like 20 minutes. He's getting a good workout.
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I got myself a really nice nib pen, with like 15 kinds of India Ink, and tons of different nibs I think I was just procrastinating, like, once I have the right nib, the book is just going to jump right out of my fingertips... but then it just ended up looking like the shitty drawings that I usually do.
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I want to commit a crime during a reenactment, and turn it into an enactment.
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For me and most of my friends who are comedians, if you've been doing comedy for a while, your tolerance for things actually moves. I find it very hard to be shocked, and when other people aggressively take offense to something, I'm sometimes confused.
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The worst time to have a heart attack is during a game of charades.
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Count your blessings, but not out-loud, at the top of your lungs.
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I want to launch a globe into space just to mess with the astronauts.
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To get strangers to hate you even faster, crank up the volume on that very interesting ringtone of yours.
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I wanna see a snake eat spaghetti.
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I have fun acting, and I want to do more of it, and I want to direct my own movie.
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REGARDING THE MARCHING BAND: How much more interesting it would be to see a creeping band.
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Once I started to look i finally began to see.
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I like digital cameras, because they enable you to reminisce immediately.
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Your mind is like a sponge, in the sense that it would come in handy when cleaning off a countertop or something like that.
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I wonder what the most intelligent thing ever said was that started with the word 'dude.' 'Dude, these are isotopes.' 'Dude, we removed your kidney. You're gonna be fine.' 'Dude, I am so stoked to win this Nobel Prize. I just wanna thank Kevin, and Turtle, and all my homies.'
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