Quote

Now I got a time machine at home. It only goes foreword at regular speed. It's essentially a cardboard box and on the outside I wrote time machine in sharpie.

Demetri Martin

Change background

T
T
T

Change font

TAGS & TOPICS

Demetri Martin
Age: 51
Born: 1973
Born: May 25
Comedian
Film Actor
Film Director
Film Score Composer
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Voice Actor
New York City
New York
Demetri Evan Martin
Goes
Regular
Home
Essentially
Time
Machine
Boxes
Speed
Wrote
Machines
Sharpie
Outside
Cardboard

More quotes by Demetri Martin

Image
To some I am known as Chief. And these are usually people who work in Radio Shack or try to sell me shoes. To others I am known as Buddy. These are people who dwell in bars and wonder if I’ve got a problem or what it is that I am “looking at.” And to still others, who are in that same bar, standing just off to the side, I am “Get Him!
Demetri Martin
Image
When I was a kid, I always wanted to live in California because I liked skateboarding.
Demetri Martin
Image
A drunk driver is very dangerous. So is a drunk backseat driver if he's persuasive.
Demetri Martin
Image
If you happen to catch on fire during the show, do not panic or wave your arms around or scream or we wil give something to panic and wave you arms around and scream about.
Demetri Martin
Image
Overheard today in restaurant: Can you stop listening to our conversation?
Demetri Martin
Image
I remember when I used to be really into nostalgia.
Demetri Martin
Image
Why are there not positive mysteries? It's always who stole the diamond, or who killed the butler? How about... who made cookies, somebody cleaned my room.
Demetri Martin
Image
I walk around and think about things. When I come across a thought that makes me laugh, I write it down. Then, at night, I say the thought to people through a microphone. I don't think about politics or pop culture very much, so those thoughts don't often make it to the microphone.
Demetri Martin
Image
Automatic paper towel dispensers are a solution to something that was never a problem in the first place.
Demetri Martin
Image
When I am given a multiple choice test I choose not to take it.
Demetri Martin
Image
I thought I would, you know, go to college, get to law school, finish, and then get a job and work as a lawyer, but that proved to be not a good fit for me.
Demetri Martin
Image
If you want to dry hump someone you don't know, just act like they were choking.
Demetri Martin
Image
Never be less interesting than your refrigerator magnets.
Demetri Martin
Image
The sofa is the enemy of productivity.
Demetri Martin
Image
I want to launch a globe into space just to mess with the astronauts.
Demetri Martin
Image
A Wednesday with no rain is a dry hump day.
Demetri Martin
Image
I want to commit a crime during a reenactment, and turn it into an enactment.
Demetri Martin
Image
99.99% of all castles in America are located in fish tanks.
Demetri Martin
Image
It's always helpful to remember that in the grand scheme of things you are much more important than... um, wait, than... something, maybe.
Demetri Martin
Image
Halloween's my favorite holiday because you don't have to spend it with your family.
Demetri Martin