Quote

Now I got a time machine at home. It only goes foreword at regular speed. It's essentially a cardboard box and on the outside I wrote time machine in sharpie.

Demetri Martin

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Demetri Martin
Age: 51
Born: 1973
Born: May 25
Comedian
Film Actor
Film Director
Film Score Composer
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Voice Actor
New York City
New York
Demetri Evan Martin
Machines
Sharpie
Outside
Cardboard
Goes
Regular
Home
Essentially
Time
Machine
Boxes
Speed
Wrote

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My friend named his car. And I don't want to be judgemental, but... what a dork.
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I need to develop some patience - immediately.
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When I trip, I feel like that's the world saying come here for a second. It just pulls me closer for a second, yeah what do you want? I just want to remind you that you're uncoordinated. I'm aware of that, thank you... can I go now? Yeah, you can go, but never ever try to outrun me. Ok, world, see you later. Yeah, I'll see you in about 50 years.
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I wanna put stickers on turtles... I don't know why.
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I think a lot of people who watch TV don't realize when they're watch TV shows and it says 'produced by' and producer, producer... there are all these producers. What the hell does a producer do? It's funny how much you have to worry about as a producer.
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When someone shows you a picture of their kids what they don't want to hear is Oh, yeah, I got pictures of your kid too.
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I like birthdays because we celebrate life with cakes. It's so cool. Sometimes when I see a baby, I'm like that much more cake in the world. But then when someone dies, I'm like the cake streak is over.
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I wonder if, as a society, we will ever be able to call someone a jive tofurkey.
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Fire truck with back end on fire drives really fast in circles.
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Halloween: the day each year when strangers give you even more specific reasons to dislike them based on what they are wearing.
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I used to get bummed out when it rained then I realized that it's God's way of washing off hippies.
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When people show me pictures of their kids, it's okay. But when I give them a picture of me, to show to their kids, I'm weird. What kind of one way street is that?
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Nothing wise was ever printed upon an apron.
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It's interesting to be an adult and to have that level of ignorance about something, because the nice part about is you get that discovery. The learning curve is so rich and steep.
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You never forget your first kiss. And that's what makes it so hard to forgive my uncle.
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Don't forget to turn your clocks back today if you don't want your clocks to be set to the right time.
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I thought I would, you know, go to college, get to law school, finish, and then get a job and work as a lawyer, but that proved to be not a good fit for me.
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I'm so secretive that when someone asks me, Hey, can you keep a secret? I say That's none of your business.
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Small businesses are important, but so are tiny businesses.
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