Quote

Now I got a time machine at home. It only goes foreword at regular speed. It's essentially a cardboard box and on the outside I wrote time machine in sharpie.

Demetri Martin

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Demetri Martin
Age: 51
Born: 1973
Born: May 25
Comedian
Film Actor
Film Director
Film Score Composer
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Voice Actor
New York City
New York
Demetri Evan Martin
Goes
Regular
Home
Essentially
Time
Machine
Boxes
Speed
Wrote
Machines
Sharpie
Outside
Cardboard

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To remove blood stains from your conscience try frozen margaritas.
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I remember when I used to be really into nostalgia.
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Never be less interesting than your refrigerator magnets.
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Vampire fad just won't die. Makes sense, I guess.
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Halloween's my favorite holiday because you don't have to spend it with your family.
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The shortest distance between two idiots is a conga line.
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I can tell how lonely I am by how easily I'm fooled by a mannequin in a store.
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If someone throws a pie at your face, just open your mouth really wide and say, 'Thanks for feeding me, a**hole.'
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Dogs seem more photogenic than cats. In photos most cats look like sociopaths.
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Sometimes if I really want to get someone's attention, I'll start a sentence with something like, I'm not racist, but... I say, I'm not racist, but you look great today. They say, That wasn't racist at all. I said, I know. I said I'm not racist. You never listen. Typical Mexican.
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Sometimes I use my jokes as building blocks for larger bits. I like to draw and play music, so sometimes I do those things along with the jokes.
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If I ever saw an amputee getting hanged, I'd probably just start calling out letters.
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If you drink enough beer, everything turns in to a bed.
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If I have to move up in a building, I choose the elevator over the escalator. Because one time I was riding the escalator and I tripped. I fell down the stairs for an hour and a half.
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It's hard to know what's gay in life. Boxing. That's two men fighting over a belt.
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To look like you are a real sports fan, when there is a game on TV just yell, Oh, come on! every now and then at the TV.
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When you're wearing an animal costume and something bad happens, your facial expression doesn't change. The animal is deadpan the whole time. If you're skiing in a gorilla suit and you fall, you just see a gorilla who has no emotion. It's just a stoic gorilla, wildly falling down a hill, out of control.
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I am a comedian but it's usually not a compliment to be called a prop comedian but I guess I sometimes use props. And I always confuse humorist with comedian. That's strange.
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I like digital cameras, because they enable you to reminisce immediately.
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I wanna buy a bunch of hermit crabs and make them live together.
Demetri Martin