Quote

I wish I lived next to Carnegie Hall. Then, if someone asked me how to get to my house, I would just say 'Practice, practice, practice, and then take a left.'

Demetri Martin

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Demetri Martin
Age: 51
Born: 1973
Born: May 25
Comedian
Film Actor
Film Director
Film Score Composer
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Voice Actor
New York City
New York
Demetri Evan Martin
House
Left
Carnegie
Next
Hall
Someone
Halls
Take
Lived
Would
Asked
Practice
Wish

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When someone describes themself as a taxpayer, they're about to be an asshole.
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I wanna buy a bunch of hermit crabs and make them live together.
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To remove blood stains from your conscience try frozen margaritas.
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It is impossible for a cyclops to wink.
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I like shorter jokes. I like fewer words. I think the more ideas there are the, the fewer words there should be.
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When someone shows you a picture of their kids what they don't want to hear is Oh, yeah, I got pictures of your kid too.
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The boomerang is Australia's chief export (and then import).
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Statistics indicate that the average American is a guy named Brian who lives in Ohio.
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Another thing that I like and that's fun for me is to try and talk and play music at the same time, because I feel like I'm learning something. There are these little challenges built into it it's a way to push myself a little bit more as a performer.
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Stand-up is like a row boat: it's fun and romantic when you're choosing to do it. But if you have no other choice than to be in a row boat it's not as enjoyable that's survival.
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I was a good student when I was a kid, and I did everything I was supposed to do, and I got A's.
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Surprise parties are strange 'cause people jump up and they yell the word, 'surprise' at the party. I came home and you emerged from my furniture. You don't have to tell me how to feel. I don't need a hint.
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I ordered a wake-up call the other day. The phone rang and a woman's voice said, 'What the hell are you doing with your life?'
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For me and most of my friends who are comedians, if you've been doing comedy for a while, your tolerance for things actually moves. I find it very hard to be shocked, and when other people aggressively take offense to something, I'm sometimes confused.
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I think a lot of people who watch TV don't realize when they're watch TV shows and it says 'produced by' and producer, producer... there are all these producers. What the hell does a producer do? It's funny how much you have to worry about as a producer.
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I think if I pick the right thing to spend my time doing, then time moves differently, because I really can get fully immersed in things and feel very alive and challenged, but in a good way. I feel a sense of progress.
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It feels like every day or two, people on Twitter and the Internet are outraged about something.
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I'm always excited to try something I haven't done.
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Everybody knew that you should never provoke a rattlesnake, much less tie it into a bow. But that didn't stop Judd. What did stop him was the rattlesnake.
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The bird, the bee, the running child are all the same to the sliding glass door.
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