Quote

I wish I lived next to Carnegie Hall. Then, if someone asked me how to get to my house, I would just say 'Practice, practice, practice, and then take a left.'

Demetri Martin

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Demetri Martin
Age: 51
Born: 1973
Born: May 25
Comedian
Film Actor
Film Director
Film Score Composer
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Voice Actor
New York City
New York
Demetri Evan Martin
Next
Hall
Someone
Halls
Take
Lived
Would
Asked
Practice
Wish
House
Left
Carnegie

More quotes by Demetri Martin

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I like to go to concerts because I love to see my favorite band through the phone of the asshole who's standing in front of me.
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I have an erratic drummer for anybody who's just listening to this, he can keep time, but just in spurts.
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Do you have any Greek in you? That was just a tactful way of asking if you're pregnant. If you're not, then let's break up.
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Automatic paper towel dispensers are a solution to something that was never a problem in the first place.
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A couple weeks ago I was on the street and I saw an ugly pregnant lady, and I just thought, 'Good for you.'
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Canoe plus waterfall equals I don't go camping anymore.
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I can always tell how stupid someone is by how certain they are about what they're saying.
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Planning trip around the globe, that is in my room.
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There's a store in my neighborhood called Futon World. I like that name, 'Futon World.' Makes me think of a magical place that gets less and less comfortable over time.
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I wonder if, as a society, we will ever be able to call someone a jive tofurkey.
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The worst time to have a heart attack is during a game of charades.
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Separate but equal is terrible for education but it's perfect for eyebrows.
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My policy is 'No stone throwing regardless of housing situation.'
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I go the gym and I try to run on the treadmill and I listen to music but it doesn't motivate me enough. So I'm going to get a recording of a pack of wolves gaining on me. People would be like, 'Why is that guy crying on that treadmill over there?' 'I don't know, but he's been yelling, 'help' for like 20 minutes. He's getting a good workout.
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I like parties, but I don't like piñatas because the pinata promotes violence against flamboyant animals. Hey, there's a donkey with some pizzazz. Let's kick its ass.
Demetri Martin
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I would like to have windshield wipers that do the whole windshield, please.
Demetri Martin
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I'm always excited to try something I haven't done.
Demetri Martin
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Never be less interesting than your refrigerator magnets.
Demetri Martin
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When you're wearing an animal costume and something bad happens, your facial expression doesn't change. The animal is deadpan the whole time. If you're skiing in a gorilla suit and you fall, you just see a gorilla who has no emotion. It's just a stoic gorilla, wildly falling down a hill, out of control.
Demetri Martin
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You are ten times more likely to get hit by a car when the driver is aiming for you.
Demetri Martin