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I wish I lived next to Carnegie Hall. Then, if someone asked me how to get to my house, I would just say 'Practice, practice, practice, and then take a left.'
Demetri Martin
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Demetri Martin
Age: 51
Born: 1973
Born: May 25
Comedian
Film Actor
Film Director
Film Score Composer
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Voice Actor
New York City
New York
Demetri Evan Martin
House
Left
Carnegie
Next
Hall
Someone
Halls
Take
Lived
Would
Asked
Practice
Wish
More quotes by Demetri Martin
Now I got a time machine at home. It only goes foreword at regular speed. It's essentially a cardboard box and on the outside I wrote time machine in sharpie.
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A know-it-all is a person who knows everything except for how annoying he is.
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When I am at rodeo I find it difficult not to root for the animals.
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My family was fine, it's just a different way of going about life. Creativity was not something that was isolated and identified and valued.
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I think my favorite sound is the sound of someone not playing the bongos.
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It is impossible for a cyclops to wink.
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I think a lot of stuff I find funny is from day dreaming.
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I was eating some candy and looked on the wrapper, and it said made from natural and artificial flavors. You could just say flavors.
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I care about politics, but I have a tough time making comedy out of it. I was so happy to have a chance to be on The Daily Show, and I think Jon Stewart's so funny... but mostly in my own comedy, I care about less relevant things.
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I want to make a revolving door that says 'Pull' on it, just see how obedient people are.
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I've never read an article of clothing.
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It's always helpful to remember that in the grand scheme of things you are much more important than... um, wait, than... something, maybe.
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I didn't do improv in college, I never performed, I didn't do theater either. I was in student government, I was a history major.
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Mosquito bites Jesus, receives communion.
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If you want to dry hump someone you don't know, just act like they were choking.
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I have fun acting, and I want to do more of it, and I want to direct my own movie.
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I've learned something on the road, traveling around: state shapes. The easier it is to draw the shape of the state, the harder it is to live in that state. So, if you live in a regular polygon, get the hell outta there. You gotta move to a squiggly area. Culture's attracted to squiggles.
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Statistics indicate that the average American is a guy named Brian who lives in Ohio.
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Employee of the month is a good example of how somebody can be both a winner and a loser at the same time.
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