Quote

I wish I lived next to Carnegie Hall. Then, if someone asked me how to get to my house, I would just say 'Practice, practice, practice, and then take a left.'

Demetri Martin

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Demetri Martin
Age: 51
Born: 1973
Born: May 25
Comedian
Film Actor
Film Director
Film Score Composer
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Voice Actor
New York City
New York
Demetri Evan Martin
Left
Carnegie
Next
Hall
Someone
Halls
Take
Lived
Would
Asked
Practice
Wish
House

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Sometimes I feel like I'm being watched, but then I remember that my show was canceled three years ago.
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It's hard to know what's gay in life. Boxing. That's two men fighting over a belt.
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Mosquito bites Jesus, receives communion.
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Popcorn is one of the only situations in which you eat the result of an explosion.
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Count your blessings, but not out-loud, at the top of your lungs.
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I used to play sports. Then I realized you can buy trophies. Now I am good at everything.
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When people show me pictures of their kids, it's okay. But when I give them a picture of me, to show to their kids, I'm weird. What kind of one way street is that?
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I am a man of my word… and that word is “unreliable.
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The chances of someone who looks like Jesus having pot raises steadily, to a point. If the guy is on a cross you may have the wrong guy.
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I like parties, but I don't like piñatas because the pinata promotes violence against flamboyant animals. Hey, there's a donkey with some pizzazz. Let's kick its ass.
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I like digital cameras, because they enable you to reminisce immediately.
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Turtles are greater than baby nephews, because it's ok to drop a turtle.
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My friend says touche way too much. He's a touche bag.
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I think it would be worse to get mauled by a dancing bear than just a regular bear because you can't totally blame the dancing bear.
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Usually, I walk around and think about things. When I come across a thought that makes me laugh, I write it down.
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Specifically in stand-up, I love jokes. I love short, structured ideas and a punchline.
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You mock those who blindly follow the majority...turn your attention now to those who are so dedicated to deviating from the norm that they would gladly cease breathing if it were suggested to them that inhalation was a form of conformity for they deserve just as much scrutiny and ridicule.
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I love bowling almost as much as I love not bowling.
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I like to stand near ATM machines, and when somebody types in their pin number, I go, 'Got it!' And then I run away.
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I saw a transvestite wearing a T-shirt that said 'Guess'.
Demetri Martin