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I wish I lived next to Carnegie Hall. Then, if someone asked me how to get to my house, I would just say 'Practice, practice, practice, and then take a left.'
Demetri Martin
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Demetri Martin
Age: 51
Born: 1973
Born: May 25
Comedian
Film Actor
Film Director
Film Score Composer
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Voice Actor
New York City
New York
Demetri Evan Martin
Would
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Practice
Wish
House
Left
Carnegie
Next
Hall
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Lived
More quotes by Demetri Martin
The best way to make somebody feel important is to try to assassinate them.
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I learned this summer that peeing in the pool and peeing INTO the pool are very different things. Location, Location, Location.
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I like when people wear a WWJD bracelet, because it's like an example of the first thing Jesus wouldn't do, probably.
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Surprise parties are strange 'cause people jump up and they yell the word, 'surprise' at the party. I came home and you emerged from my furniture. You don't have to tell me how to feel. I don't need a hint.
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At any minute, I am four minutes from a poncho.
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A know-it-all is a person who knows everything except for how annoying he is.
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My friend says touche way too much. He's a touche bag.
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As soon as I jumped out of the airplane, I realized I had forgotten my parachute. Thank God we were still on the runway.
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A human head looks the least scary when it is attached.
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Earrings are the same as sneezes: Two is okay, but ten in a row is annoying. If you have two then, God bless you.
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The sofa is the enemy of productivity.
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Usually, I walk around and think about things. When I come across a thought that makes me laugh, I write it down.
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I saw a transvestite wearing a T-shirt that said 'Guess'.
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I just listen to so much music that I like the role music can play in scoring something. I'm not doing song parodies or funny songs, I'm just adding some music to my words. So it's limited and specific, but as a performer I find it pretty enjoyable.
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I need to develop some patience - immediately.
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If I make my window ten days for stand-up, the conclusion is that I failed and that I'm not good at stand-up. If I make it ten years - if I just wait - the conclusion might be something totally different. I think it's so cool to do things in which you discover the malleability of your own mind.
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When I am at rodeo I find it difficult not to root for the animals.
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If someone throws a pie at your face, just open your mouth really wide and say, 'Thanks for feeding me, a**hole.'
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Timing is everything. That's a cliche. Now. If I'd said that a long time ago, I'd have been original.
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I think it would be worse to get mauled by a dancing bear than just a regular bear because you can't totally blame the dancing bear.
Demetri Martin
