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I wish I lived next to Carnegie Hall. Then, if someone asked me how to get to my house, I would just say 'Practice, practice, practice, and then take a left.'

Demetri Martin

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Demetri Martin
Age: 51
Born: 1973
Born: May 25
Comedian
Film Actor
Film Director
Film Score Composer
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Voice Actor
New York City
New York
Demetri Evan Martin
Left
Carnegie
Next
Hall
Someone
Halls
Take
Lived
Would
Asked
Practice
Wish
House

More quotes by Demetri Martin

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One thing you never hear is Man that guy is good at badminton.
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I've often liked a girl, made her laugh, and thought she liked me, and then found out that she didn't like me that way. I've definitely done time in the friend zone.
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When you're wearing an animal costume and something bad happens, your facial expression doesn't change. The animal is deadpan the whole time. If you're skiing in a gorilla suit and you fall, you just see a gorilla who has no emotion. It's just a stoic gorilla, wildly falling down a hill, out of control.
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I remember when I used to be really into nostalgia.
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It's interesting to be an adult and to have that level of ignorance about something, because the nice part about is you get that discovery. The learning curve is so rich and steep.
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A good name for a gang would be The Uneducated Idiot Tough Guys.
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When someone asks you the question 'Are you ticklish' it doesn't matter if you say yes or no, cause they're going to touch you. If someone asks if you're ticklish and you don't want to be touched you should something like 'I have diarrhea, now don't touch me cause you'll make it come out... and yes I'm very ticklish'.
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I like birthdays because we celebrate life with cakes. It's so cool. Sometimes when I see a baby, I'm like that much more cake in the world. But then when someone dies, I'm like the cake streak is over.
Demetri Martin
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Whenever I'm on my computer, I don't type 'lol'. I type 'lqtm' - laugh quietly to myself. It's more honest.
Demetri Martin
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When a Dalmatian sees a cow he must be like, 'What the hell happened to him? I am high right now. That dalmatian is fat and smeary.' When the cow sees the Dalmatian he must be like, 'He looks amazing. I am so out of shape, this is ridiculous. My tits are on the ground here.
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If I could control the behavior of fat guys I would make them ride mopeds more often.
Demetri Martin
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I was on the train the other day, and I heard somebody say, I'm really good at checkers. That's the same thing as saying, I'm not good at very many things.
Demetri Martin
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Popcorn is one of the only situations in which you eat the result of an explosion.
Demetri Martin
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A drunk driver is very dangerous. So is a drunk backseat driver if he's persuasive.
Demetri Martin
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A Wednesday with no rain is a dry hump day.
Demetri Martin
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The shortest feedback loop I can think of is doing improvisation in front of an audience.
Demetri Martin
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Never forget where you came from. That's what I think when I walk into a cave.
Demetri Martin
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Whenever I see an autobiography for sale in the book store i just flip to the about the author section. I'm like, Done, next!
Demetri Martin
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Don't forget to turn your clocks back today if you don't want your clocks to be set to the right time.
Demetri Martin
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One time I saw an old man in a hurry and I thought, 'That makes sense.'
Demetri Martin