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The shortest distance between two idiots is a conga line.
Demetri Martin
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Demetri Martin
Age: 51
Born: 1973
Born: May 25
Comedian
Film Actor
Film Director
Film Score Composer
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Voice Actor
New York City
New York
Demetri Evan Martin
Congas
Shortest
Idiots
Idiot
Distance
Line
Lines
Two
Conga
More quotes by Demetri Martin
I want to make a revolving door that says 'Pull' on it, just see how obedient people are.
Demetri Martin
I got myself a really nice nib pen, with like 15 kinds of India Ink, and tons of different nibs I think I was just procrastinating, like, once I have the right nib, the book is just going to jump right out of my fingertips... but then it just ended up looking like the shitty drawings that I usually do.
Demetri Martin
Small businesses are important, but so are tiny businesses.
Demetri Martin
I have an erratic drummer for anybody who's just listening to this, he can keep time, but just in spurts.
Demetri Martin
Overheard today in restaurant: Can you stop listening to our conversation?
Demetri Martin
Whenever I'm on my computer, I don't type 'lol'. I type 'lqtm' - laugh quietly to myself. It's more honest.
Demetri Martin
A Wednesday with no rain is a dry hump day.
Demetri Martin
When I am at rodeo I find it difficult not to root for the animals.
Demetri Martin
Whenever I see an autobiography for sale in the book store i just flip to the about the author section. I'm like, Done, next!
Demetri Martin
I am everything and I am nothing. I am just kidding I am not everything and nothing. That would be ridiculous. I am just everything.
Demetri Martin
If someone throws a pie at your face, just open your mouth really wide and say, 'Thanks for feeding me, a**hole.'
Demetri Martin
I like parties, but I don't like piñatas because the pinata promotes violence against flamboyant animals. Hey, there's a donkey with some pizzazz. Let's kick its ass.
Demetri Martin
I didn't do improv in college, I never performed, I didn't do theater either. I was in student government, I was a history major.
Demetri Martin
The sofa is the enemy of productivity.
Demetri Martin
I went into a clothing store, and the lady asked me what size I was. I said, 'Actual'. I'm not to scale.
Demetri Martin
They say that structure is freedom, and in a sense it is. When you're dealing with multiple constraints, you have to figure out what you can get out of that.
Demetri Martin
I wonder if there were any goths in gothic times. They're like: You look completely appropriate. You don't look stupid or lonely at all.
Demetri Martin
I'm a body builder, but I don't use weights. I use snacks. It's kind of a different building process.
Demetri Martin
I think it's cool when an ex-girlfriend becomes an XL girlfriend.
Demetri Martin
Statistics indicate that the average American is a guy named Brian who lives in Ohio.
Demetri Martin
