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I want to launch a globe into space just to mess with the astronauts.

Demetri Martin

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Demetri Martin
Age: 51
Born: 1973
Born: May 25
Comedian
Film Actor
Film Director
Film Score Composer
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Voice Actor
New York City
New York
Demetri Evan Martin
Astronaut
Globe
Globes
Mess
Space
Astronauts
Launch

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I wanna design a video game where you'd have to take care of all the people shot in all the other video games.
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I think a lot of stuff I find funny is from day dreaming.
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I wish my name started with a comma. That would be so dramatic.
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The bird, the bee, the running child are all the same to the sliding glass door.
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Sometimes I feel like I'm being watched, but then I remember that my show was canceled three years ago.
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I'm not a lawmaker, but I was thinking that if you have a really loud ring tone, maybe you should be stabbed in the ear?
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My plumbing is all screwed up. Because it turns out, I do not own a garbage disposal.
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If I have to move up in a building, I choose the elevator over the escalator. Because one time I was riding the escalator and I tripped. I fell down the stairs for an hour and a half.
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At any minute, I am four minutes from a poncho.
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The best way to make somebody feel important is to try to assassinate them.
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How to be a bouncer: be an asshole stand near a door.
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When I trip, I feel like that's the world saying come here for a second. It just pulls me closer for a second, yeah what do you want? I just want to remind you that you're uncoordinated. I'm aware of that, thank you... can I go now? Yeah, you can go, but never ever try to outrun me. Ok, world, see you later. Yeah, I'll see you in about 50 years.
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A cool tattoo design is any drawing that would also look good saggy.
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I love motor learning because it's very basic and primal. A lot of what I like to learn correlates with the opposite of what gets you laid. I can ride a unicycle and I can juggle. These are unimpressive things to know.
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It's interesting to be an adult and to have that level of ignorance about something, because the nice part about is you get that discovery. The learning curve is so rich and steep.
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Halloween: the day each year when strangers give you even more specific reasons to dislike them based on what they are wearing.
Demetri Martin
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Once I started to look i finally began to see.
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I just started doing this one-man show, and I wanted to be able to score it, so I bought a guitar, and got a keyboard and got a harmonica. I remember when I started that I didn't understand why a harmonica had different letters on them.
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If you want to dry hump someone you don't know, just act like they were choking.
Demetri Martin
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The shortest feedback loop I can think of is doing improvisation in front of an audience.
Demetri Martin