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I want to launch a globe into space just to mess with the astronauts.

Demetri Martin

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Demetri Martin
Age: 51
Born: 1973
Born: May 25
Comedian
Film Actor
Film Director
Film Score Composer
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Voice Actor
New York City
New York
Demetri Evan Martin
Globe
Globes
Mess
Space
Astronauts
Launch
Astronaut

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Coffee is like a bra. 3 cups is one too many.
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If I ever saw an amputee getting hanged, I'd probably just start calling out letters.
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I wasn't the class clown, but I was starting to become the crazy guy at law school, which is the guy who is not so much crazy as annoying.
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Brought to you by raising your voice. The next best thing to being right.
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If I have to move up in a building, I choose the elevator over the escalator. Because one time I was riding the escalator and I tripped. I fell down the stairs for an hour and a half.
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When someone asks you the question 'Are you ticklish' it doesn't matter if you say yes or no, cause they're going to touch you. If someone asks if you're ticklish and you don't want to be touched you should something like 'I have diarrhea, now don't touch me cause you'll make it come out... and yes I'm very ticklish'.
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Mosquito bites Jesus, receives communion.
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I got some new pajamas with pockets in 'em. Which is great, because before that, I used to have to hold stuff when I slept. But now I'm like, 'Where's my planner? There it is. Keep sleeping. All right, perfect.'
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I like to stand near ATM machines, and when somebody types in their pin number, I go, 'Got it!' And then I run away.
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To remove blood stains from your conscience try frozen margaritas.
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Right now someone out there is struggling and starting to panic because they can't get out of a tempurpedic bed.
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I used to get bummed out when it rained then I realized that it's God's way of washing off hippies.
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My friend has hand soap that smells like coconut. It's nice. Unless your hands are dirty from coconuts.
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To some I am known as Chief. And these are usually people who work in Radio Shack or try to sell me shoes. To others I am known as Buddy. These are people who dwell in bars and wonder if I’ve got a problem or what it is that I am “looking at.” And to still others, who are in that same bar, standing just off to the side, I am “Get Him!
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It seems that man's greatest natural enemy is the target.
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I love bowling almost as much as I love not bowling.
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I think if I pick the right thing to spend my time doing, then time moves differently, because I really can get fully immersed in things and feel very alive and challenged, but in a good way. I feel a sense of progress.
Demetri Martin
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I'm very hip-oriented. I focus on hips in my comedy - probably more than any other hipster comic who is out there hipping today. My hips, other hips. I work with my hips a great deal. That is what I do. But not in a gay way.
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A sports bar is a way to take a bar and fill it with even more annoying people than usual.
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When I was a kid, I always wanted to live in California because I liked skateboarding.
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