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I want to launch a globe into space just to mess with the astronauts.

Demetri Martin

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Demetri Martin
Age: 51
Born: 1973
Born: May 25
Comedian
Film Actor
Film Director
Film Score Composer
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Voice Actor
New York City
New York
Demetri Evan Martin
Globes
Mess
Space
Astronauts
Launch
Astronaut
Globe

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When I am given a multiple choice test I choose not to take it.
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You can say 'Thanks,' and you can say 'Thanks a Million' - but any number in between?
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Sometimes if I really want to get someone's attention, I'll start a sentence with something like, I'm not racist, but... I say, I'm not racist, but you look great today. They say, That wasn't racist at all. I said, I know. I said I'm not racist. You never listen. Typical Mexican.
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I am everything and I am nothing. I am just kidding I am not everything and nothing. That would be ridiculous. I am just everything.
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Having a beard is a good way to make your face more susceptible to velcro.
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In retrospect, everything is finite, but prospectively, there are infinite possibilities. I guess that's what makes life hopeful.
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At any minute, I am four minutes from a poncho.
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My friend says touche way too much. He's a touche bag.
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The difference between a child's toy and an adult toy is: location, location, location.
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A jerk on a motorcycle is equal to a leaf, because I find it beautiful when these things fall.
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Stand-up is like a row boat: it's fun and romantic when you're choosing to do it. But if you have no other choice than to be in a row boat it's not as enjoyable that's survival.
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You never forget your first kiss. And that's what makes it so hard to forgive my uncle.
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I saw a sign that said, 'Watch for children.' I was like, 'That sounds like a fair trade - especially if they're crappy kids.'
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I wasn't even a big comedy nerd. A lot of the comedians I know - a lot of my friends are comedians - they knew a lot about comedy growing up.
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Checkers taught me that a King is a man with another man on top of him. But life taught me that that's actually called a Queen.
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How many of you are creative? I don't know, but for me, when you make a bunch of things over time and then you keep them... you forget. I look through my sketchbooks and I'm an audience for myself.
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Never forget where you came from. That's what I think when I walk into a cave.
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When watering your plants, try to talk to them - say something like, Hold it right there and then shoot them with water gun.
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Everybody knew that you should never provoke a rattlesnake, much less tie it into a bow. But that didn't stop Judd. What did stop him was the rattlesnake.
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And as far as actors go, Peter Sellers is my all-time favorite.
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