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At any minute, I am four minutes from a poncho.
Demetri Martin
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Demetri Martin
Age: 51
Born: 1973
Born: May 25
Comedian
Film Actor
Film Director
Film Score Composer
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Voice Actor
New York City
New York
Demetri Evan Martin
Minutes
Four
Minute
More quotes by Demetri Martin
If I think of a joke that's really dirty and I think it's funny I'll try it but what I've found over the years is they just don't laugh. It doesn't work coming out of my mouth so it's like they taught me 'don't do that. Don't go that way or you'll lose me.'
Demetri Martin
The problem with my balloon collection is that people always think there's a party. Settle down. It's not a party. It's just balloons.
Demetri Martin
You mock those who blindly follow the majority...turn your attention now to those who are so dedicated to deviating from the norm that they would gladly cease breathing if it were suggested to them that inhalation was a form of conformity for they deserve just as much scrutiny and ridicule.
Demetri Martin
I love bowling almost as much as I love not bowling.
Demetri Martin
Sometimes I use my jokes as building blocks for larger bits. I like to draw and play music, so sometimes I do those things along with the jokes.
Demetri Martin
A Wednesday with no rain is a dry hump day.
Demetri Martin
I'm not a lawmaker, but I was thinking that if you have a really loud ring tone, maybe you should be stabbed in the ear?
Demetri Martin
A cool tattoo design is any drawing that would also look good saggy.
Demetri Martin
Americans who do not celebrate Independence Day: pets.
Demetri Martin
I wonder if there were any goths in gothic times. They're like: You look completely appropriate. You don't look stupid or lonely at all.
Demetri Martin
I am a comedian but it's usually not a compliment to be called a prop comedian but I guess I sometimes use props. And I always confuse humorist with comedian. That's strange.
Demetri Martin
I bought a cactus. A week later it died. And I got depressed, because I thought, Damn. I am less nurturing than a desert.
Demetri Martin
Count your blessings, but not out-loud, at the top of your lungs.
Demetri Martin
Stand up is really fun because if I think of a joke or a funny idea, then I can just go and tell some people and if they laugh, they laugh right away.
Demetri Martin
A refrigerator is the opposite of a drug addict, because a refrigerator starts in a box and then moves to a house.
Demetri Martin
My policy is 'No stone throwing regardless of housing situation.'
Demetri Martin
Your mind is like a sponge, in the sense that it would come in handy when cleaning off a countertop or something like that.
Demetri Martin
I still like paper books. Like, book is a flammable object. After you read it, you could use it to get warm. Or it could become a pile of napkins.
Demetri Martin
Automatic paper towel dispensers are a solution to something that was never a problem in the first place.
Demetri Martin
Small businesses are important, but so are tiny businesses.
Demetri Martin