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I am a ceiling fan, especially during rain.

Demetri Martin

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Demetri Martin
Age: 51
Born: 1973
Born: May 25
Comedian
Film Actor
Film Director
Film Score Composer
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Voice Actor
New York City
New York
Demetri Evan Martin
Fans
Ceiling
Ceilings
Rain
Especially

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My friend has hand soap that smells like coconut. It's nice. Unless your hands are dirty from coconuts.
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If I think of a joke that's really dirty and I think it's funny I'll try it but what I've found over the years is they just don't laugh. It doesn't work coming out of my mouth so it's like they taught me 'don't do that. Don't go that way or you'll lose me.'
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It would be interesting if Elvis were reincarnated as an Elvis impersonator.
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I walk around and think about things. When I come across a thought that makes me laugh, I write it down. Then, at night, I say the thought to people through a microphone. I don't think about politics or pop culture very much, so those thoughts don't often make it to the microphone.
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Another thing that I like and that's fun for me is to try and talk and play music at the same time, because I feel like I'm learning something. There are these little challenges built into it it's a way to push myself a little bit more as a performer.
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I like playing frisbee. It is the only sport where you can throw something at a person and it's okay.
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Cotton candy is the perfect snack for when I'm in the mood to eat dry, scratchy fabric.
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Batteries are the most dramatic object. Other things stop working or they break, But Batteries... They Die.
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Glitter is the herpes of craft supplies.
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I wanna buy a bunch of hermit crabs and make them live together.
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One time I saw an old man in a hurry and I thought, 'That makes sense.'
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The difference between a child's toy and an adult toy is: location, location, location.
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I saw a transvestite wearing a T-shirt that said 'Guess'.
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Yes, okay, it's cool to be quirky, maybe, on the side. Do some puzzles, make puzzles, whatever, learn how to ride a unicycle. That's cool when it's on the side and you have a plan. What happens when you remove the plan? What you're left with is a guy who likes to do anagrams. And doesn't have a job... Sweet, that's a catch.
Demetri Martin
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Fire truck with back end on fire drives really fast in circles.
Demetri Martin
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Vampire fad just won't die. Makes sense, I guess.
Demetri Martin
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Don't forget to turn your clocks back today if you don't want your clocks to be set to the right time.
Demetri Martin
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I think there's a difference between making comedy and reporting comedy. When you're a joke teller you can easily fall into the second, you can show up and just say the jokes.
Demetri Martin
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I was stuck in traffic and I looked in the mirror and in the car behind me there was a couple having a horrible argument and right below their image it said Objects In Mirror Are Closer Than They Appear. I just thought, man I hope so because she was pretty mad.
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I bought a cactus. A week later it died. And I got depressed, because I thought, Damn. I am less nurturing than a desert.
Demetri Martin