Quote

The problem with my balloon collection is that people always think there's a party. Settle down. It's not a party. It's just balloons.

Demetri Martin

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Demetri Martin
Age: 51
Born: 1973
Born: May 25
Comedian
Film Actor
Film Director
Film Score Composer
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Voice Actor
New York City
New York
Demetri Evan Martin
Collections
Settling
Party
Problem
Always
Balloon
Think
Balloons
Thinking
Settle
People
Collection

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I can move objects with my mind, if I use my hands.
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Statistics indicate that the average American is a guy named Brian who lives in Ohio.
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My policy is 'No stone throwing regardless of housing situation.'
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I'm a producer on my show, which is great, but it's also kind of a mixed blessing because there's so much responsibility. Everything is a decision. You have to worry about the money, you have to worry about daylight, who we're going to cast and if this location doesn't work out, what are we going to do?
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I wrapped my Christmas presents early this year, but I used the wrong paper. See, the paper I used said 'Happy Birthday' on it. I didn't want to waste it so I just wrote 'Jesus' on it.
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There's a store in my neighborhood called Futon World. I like that name, 'Futon World.' Makes me think of a magical place that gets less and less comfortable over time.
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The sofa is the enemy of productivity.
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I was walking in the park and this guy waved at me. Then he said, 'I'm sorry, I thought you were someone else.' I said, 'I am.'
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Whenever I investigate a smell, I find that the answer is always bad. It's never: 'What is that? *sniff* muffins!'
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When someone shows you a picture of their kids what they don't want to hear is Oh, yeah, I got pictures of your kid too.
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I think hair gel was invented to make it easier to identify assholes from a distance.
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The key to life is balance, especially if you are on a ledge.
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There are very few songs about just liking someone as a friend.
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A refrigerator is the opposite of a drug addict, because a refrigerator starts in a box and then moves to a house.
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I don't like thank you cards because I don't know what else to say. What do I put on the inside? See Front.
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The chances of someone who looks like Jesus having pot raises steadily, to a point. If the guy is on a cross you may have the wrong guy.
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It's interesting to be an adult and to have that level of ignorance about something, because the nice part about is you get that discovery. The learning curve is so rich and steep.
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I love motor learning because it's very basic and primal. A lot of what I like to learn correlates with the opposite of what gets you laid. I can ride a unicycle and I can juggle. These are unimpressive things to know.
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I like digital cameras, because they enable you to reminisce immediately.
Demetri Martin
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It's always helpful to remember that in the grand scheme of things you are much more important than... um, wait, than... something, maybe.
Demetri Martin