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A Wednesday with no rain is a dry hump day.

Demetri Martin

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Demetri Martin
Age: 51
Born: 1973
Born: May 25
Comedian
Film Actor
Film Director
Film Score Composer
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Voice Actor
New York City
New York
Demetri Evan Martin
Hump
Wednesday
Dry
Rain

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Separate but equal is terrible for education but it's perfect for eyebrows.
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Halloween's my favorite holiday because you don't have to spend it with your family.
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To some I am known as Chief. And these are usually people who work in Radio Shack or try to sell me shoes. To others I am known as Buddy. These are people who dwell in bars and wonder if I’ve got a problem or what it is that I am “looking at.” And to still others, who are in that same bar, standing just off to the side, I am “Get Him!
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It's not enough to say I'm sorry. You have to also mean it. It's the same with saying I'm single.
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Do you have any Greek in you? That was just a tactful way of asking if you're pregnant. If you're not, then let's break up.
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Whenever I see an autobiography for sale in the book store i just flip to the about the author section. I'm like, Done, next!
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I think hair gel was invented to make it easier to identify assholes from a distance.
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The boomerang is Australia's chief export (and then import).
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Having a beard is a good way to make your face more susceptible to velcro.
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I don't like thank you cards because I don't know what else to say. What do I put on the inside? See Front.
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Specifically in stand-up, I love jokes. I love short, structured ideas and a punchline.
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Leave no stone unturned in your quest to disrupt a rock garden.
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I thought I would, you know, go to college, get to law school, finish, and then get a job and work as a lawyer, but that proved to be not a good fit for me.
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If you happen to catch on fire during the show, do not panic or wave your arms around or scream or we wil give something to panic and wave you arms around and scream about.
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Stand up is really fun because if I think of a joke or a funny idea, then I can just go and tell some people and if they laugh, they laugh right away.
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If I ever saw an amputee getting hanged, I'd probably just start calling out letters.
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I think, at first blush, the '60s always enticed me. There's something about the '60s, it's not hard to like it.
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Don't forget to turn your clocks back today if you don't want your clocks to be set to the right time.
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I bought a new pair of pajamas with pockets, which is great, cause now i don't have to hold things when I sleep.
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Mosquito bites Jesus, receives communion.
Demetri Martin