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A Wednesday with no rain is a dry hump day.

Demetri Martin

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Demetri Martin
Age: 51
Born: 1973
Born: May 25
Comedian
Film Actor
Film Director
Film Score Composer
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Voice Actor
New York City
New York
Demetri Evan Martin
Rain
Hump
Wednesday
Dry

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To remove blood stains from your conscience try frozen margaritas.
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Socrates became a trendsetter. Other philosophers, including Plato and Aristotle and Gus, quickly followed suit, dropping their last names too. And, for centuries after that there would be countless imitators including oltaire, Michelangelo, and, much later, Cher.
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I like to go to concerts because I love to see my favorite band through the phone of the asshole who's standing in front of me.
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I love bowling almost as much as I love not bowling.
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How many of you are creative? I don't know, but for me, when you make a bunch of things over time and then you keep them... you forget. I look through my sketchbooks and I'm an audience for myself.
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A parade looks like a bunch of people are excited about being in traffic.
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I like stand-up. But I'd also like a family and house and a yard. I want to work with a lot of people, have colleagues and on good film sets, there's people there that work with the same people for years and years. I love that collaborative spirit in that medium. Comedy is a lot more solitary.
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It would be interesting if Elvis were reincarnated as an Elvis impersonator.
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If you happen to catch on fire during the show, do not panic or wave your arms around or scream or we wil give something to panic and wave you arms around and scream about.
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A good name for a gang would be The Uneducated Idiot Tough Guys.
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You never forget your first kiss. And that's what makes it so hard to forgive my uncle.
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I never set out to do a sketch show.
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I was eating some candy and looked on the wrapper, and it said made from natural and artificial flavors. You could just say flavors.
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I wonder if, as a society, we will ever be able to call someone a jive tofurkey.
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I think, at first blush, the '60s always enticed me. There's something about the '60s, it's not hard to like it.
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It seems that man's greatest natural enemy is the target.
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I used to get bummed out when it rained then I realized that it's God's way of washing off hippies.
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I've heard of many chocoholics, but I ain't never seen no chocohol. We got an epidemic, people: people who like chocolate but don't understand word endings. They're probably over-workaholled.
Demetri Martin
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I like video games, but they are very violent. I want to create a video game in which you have to help all the characters who have died in the other games. 'Hey, man, what are you playing?' 'Super Busy Hospital. Could you leave me alone? I'm performing surgery! This guy got shot in the head, like, 27 times!'
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I used to play sports. Then I realized you can buy trophies. Now I am good at everything.
Demetri Martin