Quote

There's a very fine line between giving someone the Heimlich maneuver and dry-humping a stranger.

Demetri Martin

Change background

T
T
T

Change font

TAGS & TOPICS

Demetri Martin
Age: 51
Born: 1973
Born: May 25
Comedian
Film Actor
Film Director
Film Score Composer
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Voice Actor
New York City
New York
Demetri Evan Martin
Maneuver
Dry
Stranger
Line
Fine
Lines
Someone
Giving
Humping

More quotes by Demetri Martin

Image
It's always helpful to remember that in the grand scheme of things you are much more important than... um, wait, than... something, maybe.
Demetri Martin
Image
If you drink enough beer, everything turns in to a bed.
Demetri Martin
Image
Stand up is really fun because if I think of a joke or a funny idea, then I can just go and tell some people and if they laugh, they laugh right away.
Demetri Martin
Image
I am sometimes referred to as Excuse Me in an annoyed tone of voice, because apparently I am in the way. I am so sorry. I am supposed to be some sort of mind reader, I guess. I am moving out of the way now as slowly as I possibly can. I am doing this and there's nothing you can do about it.
Demetri Martin
Image
I've heard of many chocoholics, but I ain't never seen no chocohol. We got an epidemic, people: people who like chocolate but don't understand word endings. They're probably over-workaholled.
Demetri Martin
Image
Last week I lost my temper in my karate class. Man, I'm not doing that again until I'm a black belt. Because I can tell you there's a difference between taking karate and receiving karate.
Demetri Martin
Image
People only mention it's a free country if they're doing something shitty.
Demetri Martin
Image
I equals all of the ifs added up over time. The ifs, those are the possibilities that's infinite for all of us. Every day there are just millions of them. Time, that's finite for each of us there is no question there. Maybe if you divide choices by the amount of time you have, the real I can emerge, depending upon those choices.
Demetri Martin
Image
A good name for a gang would be The Uneducated Idiot Tough Guys.
Demetri Martin
Image
When someone describes themself as a taxpayer, they're about to be an asshole.
Demetri Martin
Image
It is a little ironic that one thing a babysitter should not do is sit on a baby.
Demetri Martin
Image
The best way to make somebody feel important is to try to assassinate them.
Demetri Martin
Image
I wish I lived next to Carnegie Hall. Then, if someone asked me how to get to my house, I would just say 'Practice, practice, practice, and then take a left.'
Demetri Martin
Image
What's this about rice milk? I didn't even know rice had nipples!
Demetri Martin
Image
Canoe plus waterfall equals I don't go camping anymore.
Demetri Martin
Image
To get strangers to hate you even faster, crank up the volume on that very interesting ringtone of yours.
Demetri Martin
Image
Having a beard is a good way to make your face more susceptible to velcro.
Demetri Martin
Image
This is a pie chart about procrastination.
Demetri Martin
Image
It is impossible for a cyclops to wink.
Demetri Martin
Image
A couple weeks ago I was on the street and I saw an ugly pregnant lady, and I just thought, 'Good for you.'
Demetri Martin