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There's a very fine line between giving someone the Heimlich maneuver and dry-humping a stranger.

Demetri Martin

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Demetri Martin
Age: 51
Born: 1973
Born: May 25
Comedian
Film Actor
Film Director
Film Score Composer
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Voice Actor
New York City
New York
Demetri Evan Martin
Fine
Lines
Someone
Giving
Humping
Maneuver
Dry
Stranger
Line

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If I have to move up in a building, I choose the elevator over the escalator. Because one time I was riding the escalator and I tripped. I fell down the stairs for an hour and a half.
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My friend has hand soap that smells like coconut. It's nice. Unless your hands are dirty from coconuts.
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The best way to make somebody feel important is to try to assassinate them.
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A parade looks like a bunch of people are excited about being in traffic.
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I like stand-up. But I'd also like a family and house and a yard. I want to work with a lot of people, have colleagues and on good film sets, there's people there that work with the same people for years and years. I love that collaborative spirit in that medium. Comedy is a lot more solitary.
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I wanna put stickers on turtles... I don't know why.
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Sometimes if I really want to get someone's attention, I'll start a sentence with something like, I'm not racist, but... I say, I'm not racist, but you look great today. They say, That wasn't racist at all. I said, I know. I said I'm not racist. You never listen. Typical Mexican.
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I wasn't even a big comedy nerd. A lot of the comedians I know - a lot of my friends are comedians - they knew a lot about comedy growing up.
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Specifically in stand-up, I love jokes. I love short, structured ideas and a punchline.
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Swimming is a confusing sport, because sometimes you do it for fun, and other times you do it to not die. And when I'm swimming, sometimes I'm not sure which one it is.
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Timing is everything. That's a cliche. Now. If I'd said that a long time ago, I'd have been original.
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I am what I eat. And I am this especially when I bite my nails.
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The difference between a child's toy and an adult toy is: location, location, location.
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I like playing frisbee. It is the only sport where you can throw something at a person and it's okay.
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Easy way to make someone sound less powerful, just put DJ in front of their name... ..DJ Abraham Lincoln
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The boomerang is Australia's chief export (and then import).
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A sports bar is a way to take a bar and fill it with even more annoying people than usual.
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I am a man of my word… and that word is “unreliable.
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Batteries are the most dramatic object. Other things stop working or they break, But Batteries... They Die.
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What's this about rice milk? I didn't even know rice had nipples!
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